Counselor Hunter referred Danielle to an endocrinologist within a
few weeks even though the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care
recommend three months of counseling before hormones are started.
Danielle was well into puberty and time was of the essence. The
first endocrinologist did a complete physical and lots of
laboratory tests and prescribed the estrogen, Premarin. His
charge was $360.00. The doctor owned the lab, and this made me
wonder a about conflict of interest. Danielle was thrilled and
anxious to get the prescription filled so she could start the
estrogen.

It did not work any magic, but she began to have some breast
tenderness, and the growth of her facial hair seemed to slow down
a little. Her voice had only begun to change, and we hoped the
hormones would keep it from getting lower. But there was also a
downside to taking hormones. She experienced fatigue, nausea, and
emotional ups and downs as she started down the long and rocky
road of side effects from hormone therapy. She became
hypersensitive to people looking at her, not paranoid, but just
very aware that people seemed to notice her. She became anxious
even around people who were loving and accepting of her and
needed to get away to rest after several hours with them.

During her first check-up, I questioned the endocrinologist about
the fatigue, but he didn't think the Premarin had anything to
with it. Her testosterone was still not down to an acceptable
level, so he prescribed even more Premarin. On the lower dose she
was already missing days of school because she was tired and
didn't feel good.

After networking with other transgendered persons, I learned that
fatigue is a very common side effect as is clearly reported on
the information sheet that comes with the Premarin. They also
told me there was another endocrinologist whose prices were
better, and he prescribed an androgen blocker, spironolactone, in
addition to Premarin.

During her first visit with the new endocrinologist, the doctor
asked Danielle why she had come to him, and was very surprised to
learn that she was a transsexual. He lowered the dose of estrogen
and added spironolactone. He also said he did not think that
fatigue was connected to the hormones. His charge for the
complete physical and the necessary laboratory tests was $160.

After reading all the books I could find about hormones written
by experts, and talking to several others, I came to the
conclusion that there are several choices in the treatment of
transsexuals, and each has its advantages and disadvantages. It
seems that every doctor has his favorite type and amount of
estrogen that he prescribes. I was really amazed that the
endocrinologists were not aware of the emotional toll that their
patients were experiencing because of the estrogen therapy. They
do tests for liver damage and heart problems, but they have no
way to measure fatigue, depression, and distraction. Our
transgendered friends had found what worked for them including
hormone injections or additional non-prescription hormones from
Mexico. Everybody experiences a different degree of benefits and
side effects from hormone therapy, and some feel neither fatigue
nor depression.

Danielle did her own research and reduced her dose until she
could handle the fatigue and emotions, but it was not enough to
give her breasts. She finally decided that she would rather buy
her breasts from a plastic surgeon and stay on a hormone dose
that allowed her to function.

The first therapist (the hippie) we saw about the gender
dysphoria made a good impression on me, but Danielle was not yet
ready to see a counselor. She felt she had no emotional problems,
she just wanted to be a girl. However, we found we had no choice
in the matter because we needed a counselor's referral for
hormones and later for a recommendation for surgery. Although I
would have trusted the first counselor to work with Danielle, we
could not waste our time on a therapist who could not refer us to
surgery, no matter how nice he was.

After waiting three months with no word from Counselor Hunter, I
called to ask him if there was anything else we should be doing.
He set up another appointment at which time Danielle reported
that she was having unusual fatigue, and cried easily since being
on the hormone therapy. He thought she needed Prozac for her
depression; he too said hormones would not cause fatigue. I
rejected the suggestion of Prozac because of its reputation for
treating mental dysfunction, and I was reluctant to add more
drugs to her young body. From the questions he asked, it was
apparent he had not looked at the information questionnaire we
had returned to him (with $150) three months earlier. I couldn't
see that we were getting anything that could be called
"counseling." We left without any return appointment or any
mention of seeing him again.

Danielle wanted surgery, but I needed to know the costs involved,
and whether anyone would do Sex Reassignment Surgery on a young
transsexual. I wanted a realistic time frame before raising
Danielle's hopes.

We found there were only four or five Sex Reassignment surgeons
in the U.S. and Canada who were well known. One surgeon would not
treat anyone under age 21. Another was not well known in our area
so there was little information. The surgery cost less in Canada,
but we heard rumors of postop complications. This was no time to
scrimp because I wanted the best for my daughter. When I talked
to post-op transsexuals, Dr. Schrang in Wisconsin was given rave
reviews by all his patients, and I learned that he had treated
younger patients. We felt it was important to have the operation
soon to give Danielle the best chance for adjusting to young
adulthood. When we contacted Dr. Schrang and he learned of the
circumstances, he said he would be glad to work with Danielle. He
named one price that would cover his fee, the hospital stay and
all expenses involved with the actual surgery.

I had been without health insurance for years, betting that my
children and I would avoid any catastrophic injury or illness.
When I learned of the expected expenses of Danielle's hormone
therapy and surgery, I inquired about insurance coverage for her
needs, even though I knew we'd probably have to wait a year to
satisfy a waiting period for pre-existing conditions. Several
companies never returned my call. The representative for one
company said the expense for hormones could probably be taken
care of if the doctor cooperated, but there was no way surgery
could be covered.

I applied for Crippled Children Funds through the State of
California, and learned that non-necessary medical expenses could
not be covered. I talked to the Shriners and several other groups
who help with special medical needs for children. They were very
polite to me on the phone, but their organizations did not cover
this situation. I talked to one group who would only fund medical
expenses for children who had a terminal illness. There are many
"feel good" programs available for teens in an effort to prevent
suicide, alcohol and drug abuse, but there were no funds
available for my child. Finally, I figured my financial resources
would cover the cost of the surgery in the next year or two if I
used credit cards for some of the cost.

Now that we knew that surgery was possible, we needed to
seriously pursue counseling in order to get our two surgical
referral letters.

Since I hadn't heard from Counselor Hunter in six months, I
called to set up a third appointment. At that time we discussed
the psychological testing that he had previously mentioned at a
cost of $700. The tests included:

  MCMI-III (Million Clinical Multiaxial Inventory)
  Bendar Gestalt
  The Draw A Person/Family
  Wechler (IQ)
  TAT (Thematic Apperceptual Test)
  Rorschach
  MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory)

I questioned the need for testing since he had written me a note
stating that "Danielle seems relatively stabilized all things
considered." He said, "There is no pass or fail to the testing. I
just have to do it to protect myself against law suits. I don't
have to defend myself. All my previous associates have gone out
of business due to lawsuits. My wife does the testing and it is a
real bargain at the $700 price that I am giving you. It would
cost twice as much at the University."

Somehow I kept feeling like a victim. He was taking my money and
doing no counseling. I appreciated that he did not make us wait
for three months of counseling before sending us to an
endocrinologist, and he was not wasting our time with many
appointments. But we were getting no help from him and he seemed
to only want money.

As we learned more about the situation, we learned that we had
few choices. If we went to another counselor, the six months of
counseling required (at $100 an hour) before surgery would have
to begin again. To save time, we might as well pay the $700.00 to
Counselor Hunter and get on with it. I called the counselor and
undiplomatically told him. "OK. I'm ready to be screwed.

He called back to say, "I really do not want you as a client, but
I will send your records to Counselor Bell."

I had previously met Counselor Bell when I attended a transsexual
support meeting which he was conducting with an associate,
Counselor Jenny. At that time I had the opportunity to ask if
there was anything more that I could be doing for Danielle. They
said I was doing very well with Danielle, and had no further
advice to give me. When I told them that I felt Counselor Hunter
was not doing any counseling, Counselor Bell told me he could not
see us unless Mr. Hunter referred Danielle to him because of
professional courtesy. I continued to attend their support
meetings and became part of the support system. Counselor Bell
suggested that Danielle attend the support meetings in order to
meet others like herself. Danielle went only once. She had
already met several transsexuals whom I had invited to our home
to chat, and she and Laura were fast friends by then.

The counselors discontinued their meetings at the end of the
summer, but Danielle continued to see Counselor Bell privately.
He was a very quiet, soft spoken man, and I was well enough
acquainted with him to feel comfortable having Danielle see him
alone. Danielle told me she had to save up things to talk about
during the sessions since the counselor didn't say very much.
Danielle always referred to being transsexual as her "situation";
she never called it a problem. After her first session, the
counselor told me that Danielle seemed to be doing fine, and he
could see no problem with referring her for surgery when the time
came. He would also arrange for the second opinion by another
associate in his office. Counselor Bell believed the
psychological testing was unnecessary.

The date for surgery was finally set, and we had the first
surgery referral letter in the bag. Dr. Bell referred us to
Counselor Wolf for another letter, but that was not as simple as
it sounded. Our encounter with Dr. Wolf is well documented in the
two letters that follow:

[Illustration - 'Letter from Tim Wolf Ph.D.']

 Tim Wolf, Ph.D.                                  7-23-96
 Individual, Child, Adolescent & relationship Psychotherapy
 25 Park Boulevard,
 Suite 207 San Diego, Ca 92116

I need to address several issues with you about teenage Gender
Dysphoria, and my teenager in particular. These are the facts as
Danielle and I perceived them about our encounters March 15 and
March 29.

We were referred to you by Dr. Chris Beletsis for a 2nd opinion
letter for SRS surgery. You quoted a 2 hr minimum at $90.00 an
hour and $25.00 for a letter. We filled out the standard consent
forms, you said you would be doing some testing with Danielle,
and you said you would contact us to set up the 2nd appointment.

After the first hour, she said she had talked to you for a few
minutes and then had done some kind-of dumb tests where you asked
her questions about hypothetical situations and also had her put
pictures in order, which she felt could have been correctly
placed in several orders with an explanation.

Since you did not seem to need my input at the first appointment,
she felt she could go by herself to the 2nd appointment and I
would not loose the time from work.

She called me about 4:30 the afternoon after her 2nd appointment,
which did not last even 1/2 an hour, to tell me of her 2nd
experience with you. She wisely waited until my work day was
almost over because she knew I would be upset. She said that you
told her that you did not believe that anyone under 21 should
have SRS surgery, but if they tested above average you might
consider it. You then told her that her scores showed that she
was below average intelligence.

I called and asked you for a written summary of your evaluation
of Danielle, which you sent. In the letter you said "Danielle
appears to be experiencing alterations of mood, impulsivity of
behavior, social oppositionalism and peer adjustments. "And you
recommended that she wait 2 years before making a decision on SRS
surgery.

Danielle has had a learning disability that we have been dealing
with for many years. I have worked very hard to maintain a
positive self-esteem about her intelligence. Her two older
brothers have always done really well academically and she felt
bad because she could not keep up with them. I always emphasized
other talents that she has. Since her transition, she has
progressed amazingly in her academic abilities and had been
feeling really good about herself. She was crushed by you telling
her that she was below average intelligence. She was very
discouraged at the thought of facing another 2-4 years of having
to tuck her penis, of having to take the megadoses of hormones,
that she herself knows alter her moods and makes her physically
nauseated. The thought of not being able to date as her peers are
doing. The fear of being discovered. A teenager with any less
maturity might have thought of ending her life.

1. You knew she was 17 when we came to you. You should have been
honest with us about your apparent preconceived belief that
anyone under should not have surgery

2. I thought you were going to base your decision on an interview
with her, not on standardized testing. I did not know there was a
pass/fail situation with standardized testing.

3. I thought you understood that people on mega hormones, are
emotional and impulsive. It is the equivalent to PMS or worse.

4. If you had talked with me at all, you would have understood
that she gets her social oppositionalism from me. Which is one of
the reasons that she is doing so well in the situation that she
is in. I have always promoted being an individual, questioning
authority, not paying any attention to what others might think.

5. You should never have told a teenager who is struggling with
so many other issues that she is below average intelligence. That
to me is unforgivable. Especially when you are supposedly an
expert on adolescent & relationship psychotherapy. I am sorry
that I exposed my teenager to you. You did more harm than good.
Several times since she met with you she has asked me for
reassurance that she really is intelligent. Shame on you.

6. if you had taken the time to know her at all personally,
instead of basing your opinion on testing, you would have
understood that she is doing really well under the circumstances.
She attends a regular high-school full time with a B average. She
is not on drugs, does not smoke, or drink. She has a job doing
peer counseling through "Planned Parenthood". I often have to be
out of town overnight and she is responsible enough to be left
alone without getting into trouble. I feel she is wise beyond her
years in the insights she expresses in dealing with her situation
and the real world around her. (Not hypothetical situations.)

7. My daughter and I are well known and respected in the gender
community and our opinions matter. A copy of this letter will be
widely distributed. Your name will go on the list of those that
take advantage of our community and are enriching themselves at
our expense.

....

He never responded to my letter.

When I complained to the State Medical Board about Dr. Wolf, I
learned that he had completed the education for his Ph.D., but
was not licensed to practice psychology with that degree.

The Harry Benjamin Standard of Care Guidelines say that a
therapist familiar with the program and the transsexual will be
able to help during the process. In Danielle's case, we found
that most of the therapists seemed to be there to impede progress
rather than to assist. The counselors, who admitted they had very
little experience with teen transsexuals, were still willing to
charge like experts. None of the counselors seemed to care what I
thought and tried to ignore me, maybe hoping I would go away.

The date for surgery was quickly approaching, and the situation
was getting desperate. We still did not have a second referral
letter, and I never, ever wanted to see another counselor, but we
had no choice. In tears, I shared Dr. Wolf's letter with
Counselor Jenny. She and I had been speakers at the educational
outreach speakers' bureau on several occasions, and we once
investigated an alternative school for Danielle in another city
together, so she knew both Danielle and me. She carefully
considered the matter, and decided that she could probably write
a letter for surgery although she had never written one before.
We were relieved when she wrote the second opinion letter for us
after only one session with Danielle.

There were other counselors in our community. One believed in the
Nurture theory - absent father, domineering mother, or a mother
who really wanted a girl - with which I disagreed. She believed
that transsexuals are all homosexuals who can not deal with being
gay. This is an outdated theory for it is now understood that
sexual orientation and gender identity are two entirely different
issues. Some transsexuals look for a partner of the same sex as
they are after surgery. Some counselors believe that Gender
Dysphoria is usually just a phase when it occurs in younger
children. I wonder if it is just a phase or do children learn
very quickly to hide feelings that others disapprove of.

In this world, there must be some good counselors who really care
and help the transsexual community deal with their issues.
Because the HBIGDA Standards of Care require counseling in
preparation for surgery, the transsexuals become pawns in the
conflict of interest game. The Standards are maintained and
continue to be revised by professionals who are qualified to do
the counseling and who stand to gain financially. Although
counseling before an important decision such as Sex Reassignment
surgery could be beneficial, it would also be beneficial before
marriage and having children. The benefits of counseling is
questionable because transsexuals soon learn to give answers that
the counselor wants to hear.

[Illustration - 'Harry Benjamin Standards of Care']

I hope to see the HBIGDA Standards changed in the future to take
into account that some transsexuals (and perhaps most) are not
psychologically unbalanced. If transsexuals are psychologically
handicapped they probably would not be able to get enough money
together for surgery. There is no proof that a transsexual with
perceived psychological problems would be worse off for having
surgery.

Recently I have had some correspondence with therapist Jude
Patton who said, "I am not at all like the other therapists you
encountered, nor are many other experienced therapists who deal
with gender issues. I may have an advantage in empathy, because I
am both a professional AND a peer. (I am female to male, post-op
transsexual for over 25 years.) My own care givers certainly
'bent the rules' to get me the care I needed at the time, and
I've never forgotten it."

He explained, "Each client should be the 'Captain of their own
ship' with the therapist acting as a 'Navigator.' Not a
gatekeeper, but a guide, educator, support system and advocate.
The treatment goals should be a joint effort of client and
therapist with the client a full partner in the planning of the
treatment."

I fully concur with that philosophy, and I believe that there are
some who do not need emotional therapy during the gender
transition process especially if they have supportive family and
friends.

A friend loaned me a video tape showing the sex reassignment
procedure planned by Dr. Schrang. I told Danielle that it was
available, but doubted she would want to see it, but I was wrong
- she was very much interested. It was I who was not anxious to
know the details of the surgery, but I felt that I should watch
with her in case she had any questions. When we played the video,
she became totally engrossed, and even rewound the film to watch
several segments a second time to be sure she understood
everything. I was not impressed by the after pictures that showed
the final results, but Danielle commented, "Everything was so
neat and tidy afterwards. All the stuff is gone."

Then Dr. Schrang presented another obstacle. He would not operate
on Danielle without the signed consent of both parents, or from a
parent who had sole custody. My marriage and divorce had both
taken place in Mexico where the subject of custody was never
addressed. Danielle had lived with me since she was two years old
and I had paid the bills, so I figured she was mine. "Possession
is nine-tenths of the law."  I sought the advice of a lawyer
friend concerning the cost and ramifications of getting a legal
custody order. With such an order, perhaps I could collect child
support for all the past years although realistically there was
little hope of getting financial assistance from her father now
any more than it was in the past. I learned that the sole custody
order, even if not protested would probably cost $400 or ore.

Having her father sign the permission for surgery would be the
best ay, but not necessarily the easiest since he was still upset
because his son was living as a girl. Without much hope, I called
him to give it a try When he refused to sign, I begged,
threatened, and tried every angle

"I will go to court and get sole custody," I said, "But it will
cost me some money."

He said, "I will contest the court order."

"That will be fine with me, because then the judge will make you
ay child support for all the past years when you have paid
nothing."

If he thought he deserved to have a vote about Danielle's future,
he would have to pay for the privilege. The next day he called to
say that he was ready to sign the papers, and I arranged to meet
him right away at a Notary Public's office before he changed his
mind. With her father's signature in hand, Danielle and I had
passed a huge milestone.

We scheduled the surgery for early summer 1996 between her Junior
and Senior years in high school when she would be 17 1/2 years
old. Two years would have passed between the time that I found
out she was transsexual and the time of surgery, and I presumed
we would have finished the required counseling.

Danielle had a steady boyfriend at the end of her second year of
high school as we prepared for surgery. He often spent time at
our house because life with his own family was apparently
difficult. It was all right with me because I liked the young
man. He took her to the prom, and even spent the night several
times at our home. As we made arrangements to go to Wisconsin for
surgery, she finally told him about herself.  She could not lie
to him about why she was going to be gone for two weeks and then
recuperating for several more. He was quiet and withdrawn for a
long time, and then commented that it only made her more
interesting to him.

When she told another boy she had dated, he quit dating her in a
romantic sense but continued being her pal and friend. Some boys
lost interest in her because she was prudish and did not allow
much touching. She never encountered violence because she was
transsexual, although she had to run away from a situation in
Mexico because a guy thought he could have his way with this
young girl.

I had to work extra-long hours before we went to Wisconsin in
order to be away for the two weeks required for surgery. I could
feel the stress taking its toll as we made our last preparations.
Danielle was getting excited as the time drew near, but seemed
quite calm. However, during the last two weeks before leaving,
she had several anxiety attacks. I kept searching my soul,
wondering if this surgery was the right thing to do.

During our flight to Wisconsin, I thought of the serious
consequences of our trip. The others on the plane had no idea
that this beautiful teen girl was on her way to a hospital for
very complicated surgery in order to gain inner peace. I wondered
what other parents would think of me for facilitating the sex
reassignment surgery. There could be complications, and I worried
about that, too. I was on the verge of tears the whole way, but
did not want Danielle to know that I was stressed out. It would
be wrong for me to add to any anxiety that she might have
already. Danielle appeared to be calm, but I learned later that
she had tried to keep me from knowing of her anxiety.

We landed in the huge airport at Minneapolis/St. Paul with only a
few minutes to make connections for our flight to Appleton. As we
left the plane, the stewardess directed us to our departure gate
at the other end of the airport. Danielle went ahead to get us
checked in because she could get there faster than I. When I
caught up with her she had bad news - the gate we wanted was
actually back where we had come from, close to our arrival gate.
I knew it was too late to get there, but Danielle went ahead
again to make the arrangements in case the plane was late. The
thoughts that went through my mind are not fit print. Why does it
have to be so difficult to change planes? I condemned the
airlines and lots of other people and things as I went cussing
and crying the long way back to where we started.

As I had feared, when we arrived at the proper gate we had missed
the plane. I lay down on a bench and fell apart. I told Danielle
that I just couldn't do it - I was going home. She chased off the
solicitous airport personnel, calmed me down, went to get tickets
for a later flight and then to eat and look at the airport gift
shops.

My family and many of my acquaintances had admired me for
maintaining a calm and reasonable attitude through this whole
gender change situation. I was glad that they couldn't see me in
a puddle of tears in the airport. Although I knew I had been
under stress, I had not realized the extent of it. One of my
mottoes is "Lie down and cry awhile, then pick up the pieces and
go on." This stress management system had worked before and it
did this time too. After a good cry, I pulled myself together and
we went on to Appleton.

Once in our rental car, it was not difficult to locate the
doctor's office, hospital, shopping center, and motel in the
small city. After we were settled, we went to a local restaurant
for Danielle's last meal before surgery.

When we met Dr. Schrang in his office the next morning, he was
very pleasant. He appropriately addressed Danielle as she was the
patient, almost ignoring me. He emphasized that the proposed
operation would not change the way the world would treat her, nor
magically change her life, nor solve all her problems. Danielle
must carefully follow all the post-op instructions, and take
responsibility for her "aftercare". He could do the surgery, but
it was up to her to make the outcome successful.

After checking into the hospital, we toured the floor where the
sex reassignment patients were housed. At one end of the hall was
a sitting room overlooking the Fox River - a peaceful area that
became my favorite spot. We met Danielle's roommate, Gloria who
had just returned from surgery, and her very attentive wife. They
were impressed with Danielle's youth and beauty. During the next
ten days we became quite close to them as they encouraged and
helped us. We discovered that most of the transsexuals on the
surgical ward were alone with no one to support them during the
ordeal.

Danielle appeared to be calm and unafraid throughout the
necessary preparations that evening and the next morning, and she
went off to surgery having never expressed fear, but only looking
forward to the future

....

(I had planned to give this poem/prayer to the surgeon but lost
my courage.)

BLESS YOU

May you be blessed as you correct the errant ways of Mother
Nature.

May your hands be steady as you do your artwork that may be seen
by few.

May your eyes be clear as you put finishing touches on our dear
one's life.

May your mind be sharp as you make your masterpiece decisions.

Bless you as you care for those misunderstood by many and loved
by few.

....

Accounts of the step-by-step process of the actual surgery are
available from other sources, so I will not include that
technical information here.

My Mom arrived while Danielle was still in surgery, and we talked
and put together a jigsaw puzzle in the waiting room to pass the
time. I had brought the jigsaw puzzle with me because I knew I
would not be able to concentrate on reading, and making puzzles
has always been a very calming and restful pastime for me. My
mind was with Danielle and what they were doing to her, but the
die was cast, and now we just had to deal with the results of our
decisions.

She was returned to her room, and as she came out of the fog of
general anesthesia, she asked me, "Is it all over?"

When I said, "Yes," she smiled from ear to ear. She looked very
pale, and the sight of so many attached tubes and wires was
distressing to me, and I started crying, for a mother suffers too
when her child is in pain. Still I knew that this pain was
temporary and far better than the mental anguish and misery of
soul that she had suffered during the years she was locked inside
the wrong body. Gloria's wife and others thought I was crying at
the finality of no longer having my son. They reassured me that
my son was not gone, but was still there as a new and happier
person, but I had already accepted this new person, and had
almost forgotten that she was ever anything but a wonderful
daughter.

The next few days were pretty rough for both of us. I thought
that I could sit and write a lot of this book while she slept,
but there was not much time for rest because she needed help with
so many little things. There were many phone calls from
well-wishers, and flowers from our friends in California and
elsewhere. We even received a call from a young transsexual in
Australia whom we had met on the Internet, and who would soon be
having surgery. Danielle did not seem to comprehend the
tremendous outpour of love and hope for her. I felt as if she was
the poster child of the transsexual community. Danielle had an
opportunity that many could only dream about - the support of her
family, and surgery when she was young. All those advantages were
not lost on Danielle, for she repeatedly expressed her gratitude
to me, and her thankfulness that she had been able to go through
the surgery.

Her grandmother stayed two days after the surgery and gave
Danielle a cuddly Teddy bear which seemed to give her some
comfort.

[Illustration - 'She grinned from ear to ear']

....

Danielle's roommate Gloria wrote a poem for her:

TODAY WE ARE BUTTERFLIES

  We have traveled our respective roads as caterpillars, we
consumed I of the information we could about our confused lives
and we learned and we grew.
  Finally our roads that we have traveled have joined for our
final journey. We've spun our cocoons and with much nurturing and
love we entered the pupa stage. And through the hands of a
skilled Doctor we were able to break out of our pupal bonds and
at last we were born  to live the lives we were meant to live.
  As we dry our wings and prepare to go forth in our new lives
as beautiful butterflies we pause to give thanks.

....

Danielle suffered from post-op vomiting which was not serious,
but she lost enough blood over the next few days that she had to
be given three units by transfusion. Although many people offered
to donate blood, the facility did not participate in a donor
program; however the cost of the transfusion was small. Dr.
Schrang did things very quickly without explaining them to
Danielle beforehand. He didn't say more than two words to me the
whole nine days we were there. I had the feeling that we were
nameless, faceless bodies to him. He came and went so quickly, we
joked that the only reason we knew he had been there was the
lingering sent of his cologne. The nurses Were very attentive and
we appreciated their help.

When we returned to the motel, one of only two in town, Danielle
started the process of the frequent dilating of the new vagina
following the doctor's instruction meticulously. It would have
been almost impossible for Danielle to have managed alone. Going
out to get supplies and finding food that Danielle felt like
eating kept me busy. Since Danielle had had to stay flat in bed
for seven days in the hospital, it took several days to get the
tangles out of her hair. After a while, I began to suffer from
cabin fever. Following our return visit to the doctor, we were
both glad to be heading for home.

The trip home was long and exhausting. Danielle's boyfriend met
us at the airport to help get her home and situated. Danielle was
too tired to do the dilating that night and wanted to give up
completely, but after a good night's rest she was ready to go on
with the demanding schedule. During the next few weeks her time
was spent taking care of herself according to the instructions
she was given. She could only leave the house for an hour or so
between treatments, and when her boyfriend and others came to
visit she had little time to spend with them because she had to
be back in her room dilating. There was an infection at the site
where a tight wire suture had been, and she still has a scar in
that area, which is now pretty well covered by pubic hair. Scars
on the skin donor sites on the hips on both sides were much
bigger than I had expected, but she didn't seem to mind. I was
pleased by the visual results of the vaginal surgery at least
from a casual glance. Danielle frequently paraded around the
house in the buff or close to it in order to enjoy the way she
felt without all the "stuff" down there. Another surgery
(labiaplasty) would be necessary at some future date to give the
finishing cosmetic touches to the genital area.

After a month of dilating, Danielle was supposed to graduate to a
larger circumference dilator. The surgeon had given us a brochure
that offered five dilators in graduating dimensions for $90.00.
These dilators were solid and did not vibrate, and two of them
were smaller needed. Since I knew that I could buy many types and
shapes of dilators at the adult book store in our area, we did
not buy the expensive set. After buying two different vibrators
that did not meet Danielle's desires in shape or color or size or
something, I gave up in frustration and told her I just didn't
understand what she wanted. She said she would go buy what she
had in mind. She was only I7 and not allowed in such stores, but
she set off anyway with the admonition from me not to give my
name if she got caught. She dressed in her best looking "mature"
outfit and went on her mission. At the store she found what she
wanted and asked the cashier if he knew the circumference of the
dilator that she had chosen to make sure that it bigger than what
she already had at home. He went to check the catalogue and came
back to announce in a loud voice across the store, "It's one size
fits all." She paid for her purchase and no one asked her age or
for her ID. I was 40 before I was brave enough to go into an
adult store.

.....

In Canada both surgeries are done during one procedure and they
do not need to use donor skin. Laura later had her surgery there
with a quicker recovery, a less vigorous dilating schedule, and
great results. Some of our community have gone to Oregon recently
with good results. Dr. Schrang required the longest time in bed,
and the most rigorous dilating schedule, but the results from
other surgeons seem be just as satisfactory. Both Canada and
Oregon have residential facilities for post-surgery care which is
an important consideration for someone going alone.

All the transsexuals that I have met are so thankful for the
surgery that they rave about the wonderful experience and are
happy with the results. They quickly forget about any
complications or unpleasantness accompanying the experience. I
call it the "Savior Syndrome." They put the surgeon on a pedestal
and are not always objective when asked about their surgery
experience.

I made the best choice I could with the information I had at the
time, but if I had it to do over again, I might come up with
different results. Surgeons are always trying to improve their
performance based on more advanced knowledge, and by
experimenting with different techniques.

Danielle's hormone therapy continued to cause her mental and
emotional ups and downs that were very distressing. We did
everything we could to try to stabilize her emotions including a
good diet, lots of rest, a positive attitude and natural
remedies. Finally, after nothing else seemed to help and after
much research I encouraged her to try Prozac even though we had
not wanted to use it before believing the myth that people who
take prozac are crazy. It has helped her by taking the edge off
her anxiety and her feelings of being overwhelmed.

At Christmas, Danielle and I went to visit Ben. He was now a
sophomore at a Flagstaff college and was sharing a three bedroom
condo with another young man. Danielle and Ben enjoyed being
together while skiing, shopping, and watching movies during the
short vacation. Her big brother was gallant, protective, and
proud of his sister. They conspired together and came up with a
plan. Danielle should move to Flagstaff to get a new start where
no one knew her, and Ben thought it would be nice to have her as
his third roommate. He didn't admit it, but he was probably a
little lonely for some of his family.

Although I looked forward to the time when the children would all
be grown so I could regain some freedom and privacy in my life, I
was not ready for it right NOW. But I could see the excitement
and adventure in their eyes, and after much discussion, I decided
I must not let my feelings slow my children's quest for happiness
and a future. It was heart-warming for me to see a new bond
developing between them.

I knew in my heart that this would be a positive move for
Danielle as she had just turned 18 and was exhibiting many
nesting instincts.

If she could cook and clean for these boys, it might postpone the
time when she would fall into housekeeping with a boyfriend. She
and her previous boyfriend had parted ways when she became busy
with high school and he had gone on to college. There was another
compelling reason for her move. My frequent activist efforts in
the transgender community gave her little chance to forget the
ordeal that she had been through as she settled into her new life
as a girl. I had seen other transgendered females leave the
community after surgery to blend into society and get on with
their lives as women. After all, being able to live as a teenage
girl was the purpose for Danielle's surgery.

Soon after we returned home from Christmas vacation, Danielle
packed all her belongings into her pickup truck - a television,
her bicycle, her feminine bed, many of our kitchen supplies, a
large garbage bag full of shoes (a true female) and more stuff
than she could possibly need.

"You can come home anytime you want," I told her, "but you can
only bring one suitcase."

Danielle disappeared like a nomad into the desert with her truck
full of everything she owned. She called me several times along
the road but forgot to call when she arrived safely. That was a
very long day for me and my seldom-used apron strings. At first I
called every day, but was gradually weaned as it became harder
and harder to catch her at home between high school and social
activities. Danielle was gone for now, and I moved into a small
studio apartment.

Since she had to take such low doses of hormones due to the
emotions, she did not develop much breast growth. At 18 she still
was not endowed enough to notice. Some think breasts will come if
you wait  long enough. Some are sure there is some magic
combination of hormones that produce breasts. There are those who
think flat is OK, but Danielle really wanted breasts. I remember
how much I had wanted breasts as a teenager, but I did not get
them until I started having children. Since that was not an
option for Danielle, we decided to go ahead with breast implants
during the next summer. She made all the arrangements for surgery
after consulting with several plastic surgeons in Phoenix. One
surgeon required a current psychological evaluation. I thought
that was unfair since anybody else can have breast enlargement
surgery on demand. Some women probably need counseling to
discover why huge breasts are important to them. Why should
transsexuals be presumed to be unbalanced just because they want
breasts?

I went to Phoenix to be with her before and after surgery. Again
she was very brave - she never complained. As she was coining out
of the anesthetic, she said amusing things. "Be quiet. You are
talking too loud. Don't touch me. I don't want my breasts anymore
because they hurt." Then she apologized for being rude. I didn't
know why she thought she was being rude, but later she said she
was sorry that she told us to be quiet and leave her alone.

The surgery was done on an outpatient basis, so we returned to
our motel in Phoenix a few hours after it was completed. Those
two days in the motel were very long and uncomfortable for her
because she had trouble keeping food and liquids down, yet she
needed to eat something when she took the pills to relieve the
severe pain. Every time she wanted to move, I had to help her
change position, and rearrange the ice pack on her new breasts to
keep the swelling down. I only slept for an hour or so at a time.
Her brother had volunteered to take care of her after surgery,
but I was glad that I was there even though she needed more
attention than I had anticipated. But we did it.

Now she is happy with her body that matches her mind, and I am
happy that we were able to do all the things to make her whole.
Danielle continued to live in Flagstaff with Ben and started her
Senior year there. One day my pager showed an Arizona area code
but I did not recognize the number. Police, hospital, accident,
flashed through my mind as I dialed the number. It was Danielle's
high school, and the vice-principal wanted to talk with me.

Is this Danielle's mother?" he asked.

Yes."

"I just want to confirm something that Danielle said in class
today."

"Yes." I waited expectantly.

"Today she told her class that she has had sex reassignment
surgery."

"Ohhhh shit!!

"Well," he said with a chuckle. "I guess that confirms it."

"Do you know how this came about?"

He said, "There have been rumors and Danielle evidently felt the
time was right to let people know about her past so they could
get over it and quit whispering."

"I wish she hadn't told everyone," I said.

"She has a right to tell. She has a right to be safe at this
school and finish her high school here. We like her very much,
and are going to help her in any way we can. We will guard her
confidentiality if any press or other parents inquire about her.
We are going to make sure she is not made fun of or harassed here
on campus. I have already talked to her about not isolating
herself. Do you think she is strong enough to handle this?"

"Some days she is stronger than others," I said with all honesty.
"I'll call and talk to her."

I thanked him profusely for his understanding and help, and said
I would get back to him. My stomach was churning. Would she never
be able to get away from her past? Had the move to Flagstaff been
in vain? If she had to move again, there was still David in San
Jose. He had moved there for a good job after graduating from
collage, the same year Ben graduated from high school.

After the vice-principal Called me, any hope of concentrating on
job for the day was gone so I called Danielle right away. She
said the had not called me because she didn't want to worry me.
"Anyway," she assured me, "it's no big deal."

She told me more about the circumstances leading up to her
revelation. She had recently become aware of rumors about her.
One girl had asked her if she had had sex reassignment surgery.
Danielle countered with, "That's a stupid question to ask
anyone." For a sociology class assignment she wrote an
autobiography, but without revealing the truth, she knew it made
no sense. She was sad that she could not reveal her real self,
especially when she received a D on the paper. After much
consideration, and all on her own, she decided to ask permission
from a substitute teacher to make an announcement near the end of
the class period. It was then she told her story to her
classmates and the teacher, then left immediately since it was
near the end of the school day.

Within five minutes the story had spread through the whole
school.

As soon as the principal and vice-principal heard, they visited
her at home to see that she was all right and was not alone. Ben
was already there because one of Danielle's friends had called to
warn him that Danielle might need him. The school representatives
talked with Ben and Danielle for some time, then returned to the
school, at which time the vice-principal called me. Even after
talking to the kids, he could not quite believe that Danielle had
once been a boy.

While she was telling me about all that had taken place, she kept
reassuring me. "It's no big deal, everything is going to be fine,
so just don't worry."

"I'm your mother, that's my job.

I wanted to get in the car, drive eight hours to Flagstaff and
bring her home to safety, but I realized that I could not give
her safety anywhere. She had to work through this for herself.
She could either be brave and proud by sticking it out or move to
another new place and keep her mouth shut, thus denying part of
who she is.

When I called a friend for support, he said, "You should be proud
of her. She is turning out to be an activist just like her
mother, and I didn't expect any less of her, for I have seen in
her the courage and determination to be herself."

I called the vice-principal the next day to tell him that
Danielle thought everything was going to be fine. I learned that
he had a meeting with Danielle's teachers to let them know about
the situation and to request their help in assuring that she was
not made fun of nor harassed in any way.

He did have a question. "Is her surgery complete so I can say
that she is legally a female?"

That was an important question since she was in a girl's gym
class. I assured him that she was legally a female. I also told
him I would send him a packet of information about transsexuals.

I said, "Be proud of her for me."

He added, "We are all proud of her."

The next day I watched the clock while trying to keep my mind on
my work until I could call Danielle after her first day "out" at
school. She told me, "My day went really well. People gave me
notes and letters of support. One girl even brought me flowers!
Total strangers came up to me to say how brave I was. They call
me by name, but I don't know who they are."

A week later I called the vice-principal again to see if he had
survived. He told me, "There has been no press, no parents, no
problems. Danielle seems to be doing fine. No big deal. I warned
the principals of the two other high schools in town to confirm
with me any rumors they might hear about this high school, but
they haven't heard a thing."

He thanked me for the packet of information on transsexuals which
he had passed on to his administrative superiors and to his staff
We both agreed that this was a tremendous learning experience for
students and staff. I thanked him again for his care and
understanding. The high school had handled the situation in a
very exemplary manner. Finally I had found a school
representative that was truly concerned about and considerate of
his students' needs.

The Mexican American Club voted Danielle their president. A boy
she had dated came to her house to watch movies again even though
he knew about her past. Danielle kept telling me, "It's no big
deal. Nobody cares." I wanted to tell her it was a very big deal.
It may have seemed like a small step for her, but it was a big
step towards the better understanding of those with gender
dysphoria.

....

The subject of transsexualism is misunderstood by the general
population whose thinking is still in the dark ages. I was born
an activist and now I have a cause.

My local school district has a committee to deal with gay and
lesbian issues and to educate teaching staff about methods of
protecting students from discrimination. The organization Parents
and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) needed a representative
on this committee and I volunteered. At one of the first meetings
I met Ellen, the school district employee who had talked to me
when I was trying to learn the school district's policy on
transsexuals. The only information she would gave me at that time
was, "we do not discriminate." As I suspected at the time, she
was instructed by a supervisor to say nothing else. Ellen told me
that she felt terrible that she had not been allowed to be more
helpful, and was very glad to know that we had found a safe
school for Danielle.

I joined the team that talks to teachers in elementary and high
schools in our district about treating all students the same and
making school a safe place for everyone. I share with them the
instances when teachers and counselors did not know what to do
with Daniel. My goal is simply to let every teacher at least hear
the word transsexual. My hope is that in the future every school
will be a safe place for Danielle and others like her. We leave
written information at the school that includes resources and
people to contact for more information.

Teachers in many of the schools have already seen students with
gender issues. Although there still is not much that a teacher
can do, they can at least be accepting and try to protect the
student from teasing and ridicule. Unless the parents are
involved in the student's situation, the teachers' hands are
tied.

International Conference on Transgender Law & Employment Policy,
Inc. (ICTLEP) is a group of lawyers & professionals working on
the legal and employment issues for transsexuals. I attended one
of their annual meetings in Texas and found it very interesting,
although most of the subjects addressed concerned transgendered
adults: employment, child custody, marriage, legal papers, etc.
There seemed to be no one dealing with matters important to teens
and students. Again I was impressed by the transsexuals, who were
well-adjusted ' working professionals, as well as the movers and
shakers in the transgendered movement. Although Danielle just
wanted to be a girl, there are those who want to be androgynous,
or bi-gendered, (sometimes male, sometimes female), or want to
establish a third sex or five sexes, or to do away with gender
altogether. I learned about the intersexed or hermaphrodites and
their quest to choose their own gender, and not have some surgeon
decide at birth.

As I became more involved with Neutral Comer, I joined their
Speakers Bureau, talking to students at various college classes.
One or two transsexuals or crossdressers and I would show these
students that the transgendered population is human, and won't
hurt anyone. Students are in college to be educated and we want
to add to their education. We want people to understand that
gender identity is not a choice. Who would choose to have such a
difficult life? We emphasize that this is not a mental illness.

Unfortunately it is in the best interest of the counseling
industry to perpetuate the myth that it is a mental or
psychological problem. There are support groups for the
transgendered individuals so they won't give up and hurt
themselves through drug or alcohol abuse or in drastic cases, by
suicide. national PFLAG organization has invited me to speak
several times to help educate their members. At present there are
few parents who understand the problems, but we hope that there
will be more in the future.

Everywhere I go and tell the story of Danielle and her need to be
a girl, someone tells me "You are such a wonderful mother." That
statement still surprises me because I have always felt that I
was not particularly good at mothering, being a rather
unconventional and haphazard parent. I have only done what any
mother can do, give unconditional love to my child.

When transsexuals hear my story they tell me that they knew they
were transsexuals when they were teenagers, but were afraid to
tell their parents. As I became better at using the computer and
the internet, I joined several listservers dealing with
transsexualism. There is now a group of parents ready and willing
to contact other parents through the internet. There are also a
few teen stories and other relevant information available through
these means.

There seems to be an increasing number of younger children
telling their parents that they feel they need to be the opposite
gender. I hope we can spread the knowledge that these children
need love and understanding.

When Danielle was living at home I always told her where I was
going to speak and invited her to come with me. She went with me
once or twice but was not comfortable talking about her situation
in public, or she had other things to do that were more important
to a teenager. I respected her wishes not to talk at her school,
and she understood my need to try to change the world.