Natasha Holt

Although Rachel was born male, she's lived as a woman for three years. But when she goes home for the holidays, Rachel will become 'Daniel' once more. Here she explains why...

When she opens her presents on Christmas Day, 20-year-old Rachel is unlikely to get the type of gifts other women her age may expect - make-up, clothes and beauty products. For despite having lived as a woman since the age of 17, Rachel's parents will never see her as anything other than a man. Although they're aware of Rachel's existence, to them she'll always be their son Daniel.

"It's sad that I can't be myself in front of my parents, especially as we've always been close," says Rachel, who has two sisters, Anna-Rose, 19, and Colleen, 15, and a brother Mark, 17. "But I love them to pieces and wouldn't want to hurt them. So I'll go home and become Daniel again - on the outside. I'm happy as I am but I can't force my life down their throats."

Rachel's choice hasn't been easy, and her transformation into a woman has been the result of several painful and emotional years. As a four-year-old boy, Daniel would sneak into Anna-Rose's room, dress up in her clothing and tell his parents he was now 'Rachel'. "I picked Rachel because I loved the name. Mum and Dad thought it was funny," says Rachel, from Kent. "They probably saw it as an amusing story to embarrass me with later in life."

But as he grew up, Daniel felt increasingly at odds with his body. When he was 12, he hated the changes he was going through and started to think he wanted to be a girl. At an all-boys' school, Daniel took part in rugby and cricket but always felt more feminine than masculine. "It wasn't that I hated being a boy, I just knew I wanted to be a girl. I didn't feel as though my persona matched my appearance and I hated the way my voice sounded when it broke.

"At that stage I didn't know there was anything I could do about it. So I decided that if I couldn't be Rachel, I'd make the most of being Daniel. I've always been a square peg trying to fit in a round hole and didn't have many friends - so I kept my feelings to myself."

At 14, Daniel read an article about transsexuals and realised that he shared the feelings they expressed.

Meanwhile, he'd secretly sleep in his sisters' nightdresses. "It made me feel liberated but I shared a room with Mark and I'd lie there hoping he couldn't see".

Daniel had several girlfriends and felt comfortable having relationships with women. Then in 1999, when he was 17, he told his girlfriend of six weeks he wanted to be a woman. "She was shocked and upset, and told me never to bring it up again," says Rachel. The pair stayed together for a further six months but then Daniel ended the relationship because he needed to be Rachel. He started to buy items of women's clothing and longed to be a woman full-time. As a result, Daniel became depressed.

Then, in January 2000, in his second year at college in Canterbury, where he was studying A-levels in English, history and media studies, Daniel broke down. "My tutor sent me to the counsellor, who put me on Prozac. He wouldn't listen when I tried to explain - he just presumed I was gay.

"After three months I took myself off the Prozac but I still felt miserable. I bought loads more women's clothes and kept them hidden."

In March, Daniel decided he couldn't live as a man any more and changed his name by deed poll to Rachel Saunders. Then he decided it was time to tell his parents, Sue and Paul, both 42. "I wasn't nervous - I just wanted to be open with them. I sat them down in the living room one evening and told them I wanted to be Rachel.

"They didn't shout at me but the conversation was very heated. Mum got upset - although she said she'd guessed a while ago - and Dad was annoyed. They both said they didn't want me to dress up in the house and that I'd always be Daniel to them.

"My parents are deeply religious - as am I - and can't condone what I'm doing. They see it as a deviant lifestyle but I feel that my faith is separate from my gender.

"A few weeks later I told Mark, who said he'd guessed as he'd seen my clothes. Anna-Rose is also a devout Christian and we haven't discussed it, but my younger sister Colleen was disgusted and thought I'd embarrass her. We never talk about it now."

Then Daniel started the process of becoming Rachel. "To keep my parents happy, I'd leave the house dressed as a boy - with women's underwear underneath - and put on my high heels on the way to college. There I'd wear a skirt. I was like a 13-year-old girl, experimenting with clothes and make-up."

Rachel made new friends and enjoyed the support of most of her tutors and fellow students, although she admits she intimidated people. "I was brash and didn't know how to handle it all," she says. "I know some bitching went on behind my back."

Then at 18, in 2000, Rachel went to study history at university in Preston, where she now lives as a woman. "It's great. People here only know me as Rachel and I'm like a kid in a candy store - always buying clothes. Sometimes people make nasty comments and occasionally it bothers me, but most people are fine."

Rachel, who describes herself as a lesbian, has had two relationships since becoming a woman and has recently split up with her girlfriend of a year. "I tell prospective girlfriends I'm a transsexual and they know I still have my male genitalia. Both my girlfriends have only known me as Rachel and have had no problems with my sexuality. I took my last girlfriend home and she found it funny to hear my parents call me Daniel."

After seeing a psychologist, Rachel started taking daily oestrogen tablets, which cause her voice to get higher and breasts to grow. As a result, she's had side effects such as mood swings and overwhelming emotions. She's now waiting to see a consultant at a gender clinic and hopes to be put on the waiting list for NHS gender corrective surgery to remove her penis. "I'll be heartbroken if I can't have surgery but it won't be the end of the world. I'm not entirely comfortable with my body but I'm happy in myself - I'm a woman now, anyway."

Before she has the operation, though, Rachel's promised to discuss it with her parents. "We only mention Rachel in passing and I understand why they can't accept it," she says.

"It's my choice to be Rachel and it's their choice to call me Daniel.

"When I go home for Christmas I'll wear a tracksuit, tie my hair back and take out my false breasts to keep them happy. It doesn't upset me, but it will be odd to see myself like that.

"My parents have been good to me, but they'll always see me as their son. So, for 364 days a year I'll be Rachel - but on Christmas Day I'll definitely be Daniel."