This is Canadian High School Page
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From: Danielle G
Like many of you have mentioned, it is nice to hear that other people had similar experiences to me ... it's definitely not nice that it happened to practically every one of us.
My experiences started WAY before high school - actually, my first memory of knowing that I was different in some unknowable way, was in Grade 2. Back then, I was a "keener" or sorts .. I tried hard at everything, and I still do to this day - this difference was that I was no one liked that. I was beat up a couple of times and I even got a pencil shoved up my ass which incited all the students from Grade 1 to Grade 3 and the teachers to laugh out loud (because of the "open rooms concept")
After that, my parents sent me to a private school, where I discovered the differences between guys and girls - and even though I knew I would never be like the girls, I was still happy because I was mentally challenged and I had A great friend to hang out with.
From Grade 6 to Grade 10 I consider it Hell. It was hell, never can anyone change that notion in my head. I had EVERYTHING done to me. Nicknames were NICE - Head, Fag, Dickeater ... nice names. I say nice because names were the LEAST of my problems - I was pissed on, dumped in the toilet full of shit head first, beat up, kicked, tripped, eggs in my pants, pants pulled down in front of the class etc etc - anything imagined happened ... and I was to blame for everything - SOMEHOW they were able to say that I was responsible. I visited the VP quite a bit actually, but did my best to develop good repertoire with him - and did a good job of it too.
And because I was smart, and because I was beginning to feel the desire to want to be a girl, I shut off my emotions - they won't tease you if you aren't provoked, as my dad would say. THAT was probably the worst choice of my life because I became completely emotionless and didn't let ANYONE see me. BUT, imagine the whole "Serenity Now" Seinfeld - you shut off your emotions, they WILL come back to haunt you. EVERY night I would beat up my brother because he would say
ONE word wrong, or I would throw dishes or shoes or books or whatnot at the speaker who said anything "wrong" to me.
At school, I completely immersed myself in my work. I played piano and so I learned more instruments. I read fantasy, science fiction novels for escape and science journals and historical fiction novels to "help".
And then I moved just before Grade 11 to a small, extremely rural, WASP (white Anglo Saxon protestant) community. I basically thought - here is an opportunity for me to "start again".
I don't remember much of that time, because nothing happened. NOTHING. I didn't make any friends because during that time no one cares much about learning ... and to me that was my LIFE. I worked hard, I rowed (a majority female sport in Peterborough) and I had "fun" - I tried to participate in other sports (got convinced to try for the football team, but broke my
rib in the tryouts ...) ... I was completely alone. I had no friends, just people who would say hi. My brother, practically voted "most popular guy" always had parties and girlfriends and whatnot. I participated, but when I think back, I always made the
party "less" than it could have been.
I recently met up with a high school friend who asked me if I was gay, because everyone thought that I was gay - or at least questioning that I was gay - back in high school.
It wasn't until just before university that I finally accepted who I was inside and therefore what I needed to be on the outside. That decision made my life THAT much more difficult because it was like finding a crack in the Hoover Dam and then using a chisel to break through the wall ... the thoughts and desires POURED through the hole and I wasn't able to concentrate AT ALL for 3 years
But, now things are better ... slowly making my way "back to MY top".
From: Christina N.
I need to mention briefly here my experience with school prior to high school. It sucked! I was beaten up, a nerd, I was called fag all the time. By the time I entered highschool I'd managed to learn to fight back, I was still a nerd, but I was also the class clown. I was sufficiently tough, that bullies generally went after someone else.
I had very low self esteem in highschool. Just after I got to highschool one of the cutest girls in the school started pursuing me, and I thought it was all a big joke! I had a number of girls chasing after me in grade 9, and I just ignored them all. My self esteem was too low to imagine that anyone could actually like me.
When I initially got into highschool I was the target of a lot of "fag" style harassment from boys, but after I got into a few fights and did ok, they moved on to others.
I tended to spend my time with a small circle of male friends who were also seen as nerds. It was a good group for me. We did computers, RPGs, and we got high grades. They were nice guys.
Around grade 11 I just stopped going to school. I stopped caring. I didn't really feel there was anything in highschool for me. I lost a semester that way. After that I transferred to another high school, one where I would have to commute, one where my mom actually taught. It was a preppy school. Ick. Anyway I did fine there academically (I didn't have any opportunity to skip school with my mom working there). I was a nerd and a class clown there, and I was tolerated.
I haven't really mentioned any trans stuff here, but I was aware I was different since age 4, and I'd cross dressed since age 11. In highschool I pretty much thought I was a pervert, and I spent a lot of time analyzing myself.
In terms of relationships I never really had any of signifigance in highschool. I'm not surprised, I was far too weird! I wish I'd been able to get closer to people though, there were some nice interesting people at school I probably could have been friends with if I'd been less withdrawn.
Really having read all these experience I think I got off easy.
I thought about how I've been different in my life, how I might fit in, how I could keep friends ect.
But one thing haunted me for some time now, ever sence I was five actually. I had always been alone, I lived so far from others that I didn't have anyone to conect with.
That's when we got some new neighbors. Their was a boy (He was the only child just as I was) who was a bit of a trouble maker. One day he lured me into a situation that put me in discomfort, I'll let you guess what he did to me. I don't know if that had anything to do with my 'confusion' but from then on, I played parts of females in playtime and later on in about grade seven I started to cross-dress.
This went on in secrete for some time until my grade ten year when I gathered up the courage to confront my mom about it and later I told my dad. It wasn't easy for them (I can't blame them though) now I'm struggling with my gender.
I have no 'sex-drive' so to speak, I have never found any attraction to boys or girls so you can imagine my state of mind.
I think the reason I consider myself Transsexual because I have always felt feminine and when I have a hard time with sometime I cross-dress and take on my female identity "Arisa". It helps me think and I like the idea of imbracing my softer side that I can't do in my comunity. (I live in a red-necked provence of Alberta. People there will beat the life out of you if you were gay/les cross-dresser/Transsexual) so I don't have an outlet were I can experience a different gender role safely.
I act macho around the other kids but really, that's only show. It isn't me at all and I find it hard to deal with sometimes.
I'm shy and quite and slow to make friends, I guess I'm really caught between a rock and a hard place. If I do deside to get the surgery I'll most likely have to start a parentless life from scratch, but I think It'll be well worth it.
I don't have many people to relate with my own experience about my youth...
Ever since, and actually, especially in elementary, I was teased, bullied, mistreated, beaten up - because I acted 'like a girl' although I was rarely told in those exact terms. I can remember instances of this for walking like a girl, running like a girl, throwing like a girl, talking like a girl, being smaller than most girls, and skinnier too...until I hit 16 where I sort of got back physically to girl's norm (but never boy's).
Note, it's a bit scary when even all girls are taller than you for the same age...and most boys dwarf said girls. I was a 'prime' target in elementary, having no one to defend me (no friends) and not defending me myself (never punched anyone), not even intending to defend myself (didn't want to hurt them...or myself). I don't know if they thought I was gay back then, but I didn't hear about it. The bullying and everything went on at school and at home (neighborhood)...but wasn't *that* bad (I heard of worse happening). I didn't get broken bones, surgery for something awful, threatened with a firearm or the likes, I was only made to cry and sometimes bleed, but not much...it just happened a lot.
I tried defending myself in 6th grade, and using my nails and teeth got me nicknamed as 'the cat'...and so I decided it didn't help any to defend myself. I started to become less emotional, blaming said emotions instead of gender-issues which I had no real hindsight in. Oh I knew *some* things, I liked girls better, they were usually nicer (though I still had no friends, girls or boys), I thought a lot like girls, something I discovered was more and more true in my teen years as well, and *always* dissociated with boys. Not boys toys (I liked playing Lego and video games for one), but boyish games, especially those involving fighting. I liked running (and thought I was not bad at it), playing tag, hide-and-seek...I played girl games as well when I had the occasion, and didn't make any distinction between said games in terms of gender. My playmates were mostly boys (I knew no girls in the neighborhood), but when they went to play the boyish games I didn't like I'd just go back home, or do something else, which made me appear as somewhat of a loner. They'd sometimes reject me themselves, considering me apart from them.
In high school I sort of 'started clean', most of elementary was divided between multiple high schools and I sort of 'lost' the elementary crowd (which was a good thing). I tried to repress my emotions...this made me look very sub-human and depressed, more like a robot observing than a human living...I mostly kept that up until 11th grade and managed to graduate high school, somehow.
I noticed, in high school, that some people considered me gay (they asked me directly, so I don't know who else thought it, but some openly asked me), to which I'd reply that of course I wasn't. I thought that they thought I was gay because I didn't have a girlfriend (I got one at 16, in 11th grade, and it didn't work out either), I didn't think they attributed it to behavior or anything. I began to learn about reincarnation (at 11 I think), and how I wanted to be reborn as a girl, how I thought I had been surgically altered to be 'made' a boy, mistakenly...I wanted to be a girl, but I thought it was impossible - like if girlhood had a mystic to it denied to all those who have the wrong thing between their legs...and in a way that's true (I was denied a proper childhood), in another that isn't (I am female, and didn't need the right bits to be). I was asexual throughout all that time and remained virgin (and still am virgin to this date). I'm probably not really asexual, but back then I just didn't know at all and I knew how wrong it seemed to think sexually with either a boy or a girl - because I was seen as a boy. This has changed since transition and I'm mostly attracted to boys.
Anyway, I was thought of as gay, I was still teased, still bullied, more rarely beaten though, and I eventually managed to graduate and evade the hell it was...repressing my emotions didn't help, it only got me progressively deeper and deeper through depression, and eventually suicidally so...I didn't attempt it, but I seriously thought about it. I decided to transition when I actually learned about transition, at 22 (almost 6 years after graduating)...but it still was a debate of 'do I still suicide or do I give transition a shot' - there was no question that I had no future, even in short term, as a boy...I still have only fragmented memories of my childhood and teen years ad it hurts a lot emotionally to think about some parts of it...
I hope my story isn't too sad...
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