From Crystal:
My Junior High years were quite easily the worst years of
my life. That's when I finally put all those feelings I'd been having
throughout my childhood together and figured out what was
"wrong" with me. I tried to convince myself that it was just
some kind of phase and that I'd grow out of it, but I couldn't lose it and
constantly had trouble relating to other people. Girls wouldn't hang out
with me because it was that age where you mocked everything. Guys wouldn't
hang out with me because I hated doing "guy stuff".
By contrast, my High School years were great. I went to a very liberal high school, and over the course of four years, learned to accept and even like myself for who I was and made several close friends who helped my through some tough times, not mention becoming good friends with a number of teachers who were very supportive of my gender issue.
--Crystal
From: Harlow
From: Stephanie
From: Terri
I started young knowing I was different from all the rest of the kids. I
started wearing some of my sisters clothes at six. I would wear her stuff
under my clothes to hide them.
From: Christine
High School and College were some of the most enjoyable times of my life.
I learned at an early age how to play "guy" and carved my way into the
complex social structure of High School. I was not a tortured child by any
means, I sort of looked upon my gender dilemma with curiosity and
wonder. I hid it because I knew that others would not understand, but I
would also do things with "flare" (not to be confused with
flamboyance) that would satisfy the girl in me.
I realized that I had been giving a raw deal, but tried to make the best
of the situation. I was lucky enough to have some really quality
friends that are still close to me to this day. With good friends, I think
we can accomplish anything.
I was involved in sports and band and even was my senior class
president. Too bad I couldn't have been myself, though. I am
not bitter, nor do I have regrets, I just see those years as a funny
awkward time when I was innocent to the severity of my gender dysphoric.
I also would like to add...that I have found that many of the girls I
dated in High School are now lesbians...funny how "the vibe" was there
then.
Christine McGinn
From: Josie
The hard times of my life came early in elementary
school as I knew I was different and eventually
understood why.
In first grade, I had the best friend I've ever had in
my life.
After 1st grade though, I never saw him again and my
problems started. Though kids did tease us once in a
while for going off and playing by ourselves in 1st
grade, my friend stood up for me and protected me.
After that, however, there was no one to protect me.
I was called wus, pussy, and faggot, even though I
never really projected an image of being gay, which
has never really been my feeling.
Anyway, as the
second largest kid throughout my grade school years, I
was teased constantly and beat up by the only kid who
could feasibly do it: the largest kid in the school.
I received constantly beatings from him on an average
of about once a month in addition to the hourly
teasing. Once even a girl beat me up (but she kicked
me in the balls and then kicked me while I was on the
ground).
Then in fourth grade, the torture added when
I had a teacher that joined the fun. She regularly
gave me detentions and generally disliked me simply
because she thought I was the center of the problem.
She thought that if I wasn't so different, kids
wouldn't be teasing me. Well I wasn't going to change
for her.
Right around this time, I also was exploring
in my own imagination, and after experimenting the
idea with some of my mom's clothes, it came apparent
to me that the problem was that I wasn't a girl. I
began looking back at myself and realizing that I
should be a girl. I even asked my mom once, "Do you
think I would be better as a girl?" Her reply, "I
like you just the way you are." Textbook. It didn't
help my situation.
Anyway, my torture finally ended when my family moved
in the middle of six grade, or so I thought. I was
allowed to start with a clean slate. Coming to a new
middle school in sixth grade, I kept quiet and
repressed my self-expression. In fact it took nearly
half the first year, for kids to figure out that I was
one of the smartest among them. A kid did a paired
science project with me and found out that I was
really smart, and started telling people. It made me
feel proud, but I was still cautious.
Eventually I
started expressing myself more, and things went crazy
again. It wasn't nearly as bad this time, but I still
got teased every once in a while. Also during this
time when I was so quiet in middle school, I was
experimenting heavily at home. I had secret hiding
spots for clothes, I was searching on the internet for
things (though there wasn't much then), and since my
dad was the pastor of my church which had a mission
that distributed clothes, I had 24 hour access to it
(we had the key). The clothes were free for the
taking anyway, so I would sneak over at night and find
what I wanted there. At this point, puberty was also
hitting, and I hated it.
Next came high school. In a school of 1700, I simply
blended in and didn't say much. This kept me out of
trouble and out of sight. I was very introverted (or
appeared that way) for the entire time, and only came
out of my shell a little when I found technical
theater. I was too shy to ever try acting, since it
might reveal my secret, but I could dream and wish
from backstage where there people who were just as
open or many cases more open than the actors. If I
had stayed at that high school for all four years, I
would have come out to them eventually.
Instead, I moved to a new high school across Iowa
(where my whole life, except the first three weeks
living in Miami, FL, took place). At this small town
(10,000) high school of about 450, I wanted to be real
careful. I was very quiet to start with and only
spoke out with my talents: music and my grades. I
didn't eat lunch as it was a habit from my old high
school and instead practiced in the band room. There
I brought and heated up my lunch in the microwave at
the theater scene shop. Eventually I was a little
more open to people in school and my temper broke out
as people began to know how to push my buttons just
like in elementary school. I yelled at teachers and
students many times, and skipped several classes. It
was a step down from my other high school. I just
counted on the fact that I would be out of there in
two years.
Really, only now that I'm in college have I begun to
come out more and be me, the girl I've felt inside for
so long. I've been able to wear feminine clothing to
school without people bothering me, and even nail
polish a few times (but it's just not practical since
I play piano all the time, and I just chip it anyway).
I've come out to a few friends and even a professor,
and I'm getting counseling. Now I'm just trying to
build up money and my wardrobe to start transitioning.
Sorry this turned into my life's story, but that's how
I've had to deal with growed up TS.
Love, Josie ; )
From: Kathryn
I can't say that I had a bad childhood. There were a lot of good and bad
things about growing up that may or may not be related to being trannie.
My heart ached from being afraid to tell anyone - even when I got
arrested for shoplifting women's clothes or the time I decided to get a
perm.
My 20th reunion is this summer and I'm really looking forward to it!
Kathryn
From Tabytha
Well hello, I just found this site a little while ago during one of my
internet searches for things TG. You know, personal accounts, medical
information and so on. I'm 17 and I've come to grips with my
problem. I've quit ignoring it, I've quit telling myself that I'm this
perverted freak.
Things went normally enough though grade school. I had a few friends
and we had fun. I didn't get beat up and I even met my best friend (I've
know him for nine years now). Things went south when I hit the sixth
grade (middle school, ominous music plays in the background). My friends
seemed to drift away and join into various clicks and my best friend still
had a year of grade school to go. I got into fights and generally got the
snot beat out of me. I didn't have very good control of my emotions back
then and I would cry over little things. I definitely cried when people
teased me and harassed me. I tried to stay away from people as much as
possible and I did so with my nose in a book. I met another good friend
of mine that year. He turned out to be gay (I didn't find out for another
five years).
It was during middle school that I learned how to "fit in" to some
degree. I did guy stuff with my friend form grade school and was a normal
adolescent male. Those years where when I realized I had a problem, I
started cross dressing. I always felt like shit afterwards but it was
nice while I was doing it... I first got on the internet during those
years and I learned what was wrong with me, I was a transsexual. I had
seen the Springer specials but they were always so seedy I didn't want to
be like them. I found real people on the internet, people I could relate
to.
By the time I hit the ninth grade I was a fairly normal guy (on the
outside). I had buried the feelings I thought were perverted and sick so
deep inside me that it hardly crossed my mind for a year. I ignored it
because I didn't want to be ostracized. The ironic thing was that my
friend who I met in sixth grade was a flaming queer and people started
teasing him. I was his friend and therefore gay by association.
Eventually he came out to me and I was cool with it, his parents got
over it and he gradually got more effeminate. I was actually jealous of
him, he was able to be himself. All throughout my life I've been prone to
depression. Ever since I was nine and my parents divorced I can remember
times when I wanted to die (both metaphorically and literally). Sometimes
these bouts lasted a day, sometimes they lasted a month or more. I was
always able to put on a smile (or something) and face the day. I think I
became bitter. I was (still am) angry at the world. I guess if you first
met me you'd think I was sarcastic, rude and mad all the time. I'm not
mad all the time but I do tend to give the impression I'm glaring at
everything.
I met a great girl my last year of high school, I didn't make it to my
12th grade year. I had to leave my 11th, I couldn't handle it
anymore. And no I didn't drop out, I took a class at the college and some
correspondence courses and graduated a year early. Back to the girl
though, she made it possible for me to live. I was close to ending it all
but I think she stopped me... I went to a semester of proper university
and dropped out, I just quit going to class and I got a strait line of F's
on my report card. Now I'm at a different college getting an associates
in Computer Science. I'm waiting till I turn 18 then I'm gonna go to a
psychologist or something. Right now I'm trying to juggle work and school
and a girl who I never get to see. I came out to her and her alone and
she took it well. It was the first time I smoked pot. It's a wonder I
ever did it again; it was such a sad and horrible experience. She thought
I was gonna tell her I was gay or something, she said she had a hunch...
I guess you could say could say I tried to escape reality, I was a
book worm, a loner, a sad little kid who sat in his room all by himself
for as long as his parents would let him. Now I turn to chemicals, a bad
choice I know but it's not an every day thing, maybe a couple times a
month. I like acid best but I know it's the worst for me so I don't do it
very much at all... You know I think I'm just gonna stop talking.
~Tabytha (well I will be eventually)
Beep-ba-beep-beep! Tabytha update! I'm done with chemicals except
cigarettes. I've had enough bad trips to last a lifetime. Also, do not
start smoking, it's very hard to quit. Drugs are bad mmkay...
I recall the first time they lined everyone up, it was about 9:45 on the
first day. The girls in their plaid jumpers in one line and the boys in
the other to go to the restroom.
I had this really bad sinking feeling when I realized that I belonged in
the other line.
My "solution" to my gender crisis (of which I was ingorant that I had) was
to vow not to participate. I avoided people, schoolwork, etc. I just
decided that I couln't play boy and I could'nt be girl, so I just wouldn't
play. I spent perhaps 70% of my time alone.
I was tall so I didn't have the problem of being beaten up, but everyone
said "you are different" and didn't quite know why. I held a party in the
8th grade, and everyone paired up, except me. I had nobody, so I just
picked up my guitar and played mood music while my classmates explored
each other's bodies. I should have seen it... but...
I went to an all boys high school (by choice... to get away from the nasty
people I went to grade school with). It was a great school, and I had a
good time there. Even though it was all boys it lacked the macho attitude
that went on when there were a lot of girls around.
I tried to date, but I just didn't know how to talk to a girl in the
leading role. I felt like it was lying because I was! I wanted to talk
about how they looked, their clothes, etc. I remember this girl who had a
crush on me in 6th grade. I was not attracted to her, but wound up at a
friend's house with her, my best friend, and his girl friend. They
expected me to make out with her. I told her... look I like you, so let
me walk you home. I just didn't think like a boy. I was horrified to
think that I had to actually face performing as a male. It tool me a LONG
time to figure out how to fake it.
My first real girlfriend in HS (whose step-mom was a TS it turned
out) kept asking me if I would wear her underwear while we made
love. This was a great idea... and I wish I had... but I was so deep in
the closet that I told her no. I wonder...
My best girlfriend in college went to one of the top women's colleges, and
she was a year ahead of me, so I got to visit her a lot, and got to
pretend that I was a girl attending a woman's college; went to classes
with her; lived in the dorm. I wanted nothing more than to just be an
ordinary girl living an girl's life. Now I want something more: I want
to live an extraordinary life.
I still have one friend from high school. He's a great guy, with a family
and kids. I'm going to tell him soon about my decision to change gender.
~Hang in there... accept yourself and everythin gets better ultimately.
love, Kelly
It was 1964. I was in Jr. High I was in a clique consisting of two girls,
me, the second sissyest boy and school, and Mike/Michell, the sissyist boy
in school. I saw just how much humiluation, pain and hatred that was
directed to him. Mike/Michell already has his/her female chosen and was
obsessed with mestruation, just like in Judy Bloom book, "Hello God, Its
Me
Margret." I every wonder what happed to Mike/Michell. I hope she is at
peace.
My soluation was to "mask" my difference I became "The Brain." I hide my
natural sissyness under a layer of Nerd. I worked. The sissyness that I
couldn't hide was reframed into nerdness. Since I had no sisters and I was
forbidden to touch my mothers stuff because I had done so earlier, I had
no
cross dress outlet.
Instead, I "imiated the process" of being female. With
guy clothes I would put together "outfits" that parelled what the girls
had.
I stopped bitting my nails, until my parents came down on my growing
longer
finger nails.
Eventually the "nerd" personally became so complete. I was a "walking
head"
disconnected from my body.
Recovery from that is another story.
Would you like to add your experiences?
Well 6th grade was really great for me I had tons of
friends at that time from my elementary school. I think what helped me
out though was that I was funny and sarcastic, and very talkative. I got
a long with everyone right away and was somewhat of a chameleon when it
came to different types of kids. But it was also the time when all of my
thoughts about gender came back to me, I always wanted to be a girl
since I could remember but I repressed it soo much that I had forgotten.
I started sneaking my moms/sisters makeup or clothes and would pretend I
was in the shower so I could lock my self in and pretend. Once my sister
caught me I was soo humiliated she was really understanding though, but
I still felt dirty and perverted.
At the end of 6th grade I moved to a really conservative
beach town in So. CA. this was the worst year of my life I would cry
every morning telling my mom I wanted to move back home. The
school was smaller than the last so it was harder to hide in the corner.
The very first day I was being called a faggot (I didn't even know what
it meant at first, so it hurt even more) people thought I shaved my legs
and had a girly voice because I hit puberty a lot later. I was a major
loner and was not used to this at all ,back at my old school I had tons
of friends, and than this. I felt so lonely I wanted to die, I begged my
mom to divorce my dad so she could move back to Palm Springs and take me
with her. I came up with so many desperate attempts at trying to
convince her to move me back home, so that I didn't have to go back to
that hell. My mom was very sweet and understanding and sometimes she
would surprise me and we would go to the beach and go shopping instead
of having to go to school.
But by 9th grade I started smoking for the stress factor
and it made all the rich assholes leave me alone cos smoking made me a
"scumbag". I started to smoke pot and drink, and I drank a lot,
I started to do it at school. I would get stoned before school, then get
stoned at first break, then get drunk at lunch ( vodka and juice in Snapple
bottles) and then any other chances I had at bathroom breaks. I then
started to snort speed I loved the rush and the way it made everything
move faster school seemed to whiz by. Of course I lost a lot of weight
(being underweight already which was part of my femininity as well) so I
looked very strung out which helped me because people didn't make fun of
me much anymore. I looked dead and it scared people, I loved it, I felt
like I was showing them how they were ripping me apart inside and it was
all there fault so I would show off my strung out look. The next
year was better because I went to rehab and quit doing tweak, I made
friends with a cool crowd the ones all the rich snotty people called
scumbags because they were the punks, and hippies, the pierced and
tattooed. But they were warm and friendly. That is the year I came out
as gay. From than on I was more comfortable being more and more
effeminate as the months moved on. My father passed away my Senior yr
and it was easier to be even more effeminate, I moved to Portland OR one
place where drag is huge and I started to do Drag almost every night at
the clubs. . I don't know what to do because my mom said she could
handle me being gay but could never handle me wanting to be a woman. Why
would she say that though unless somewhere deep in her heart she knew
the truth? I started to drink a lot to stop thinking about how I wanted
to take hormones. It got really bad and I started blacking out, I lost a lot
of friends that year and could have been seriously hurt due to the
frequent hitchhiking I was doing ( at the bars, so I could get home). Luckily
that only lasted 3 months and I finally realized why I had been so out
of control, and I am just now starting to face my transgender issues at
22. Until a few months ago I thought I did drag for fun but now I know I
must deal with what is to come because my feelings to be more feminine
are getting stronger.
( I know I elaborated, and I went beyond H.S. sorry
about that. But I thought it was important for me to let people know how
I feel now since I'm just now facing my transgenderedness)
Thanks for reading,
Harlow =)
Thankfully I'm far enough away from high school now that I can talk
about it without losing it.
I remember about 6th grade is when things really started to get
interesting. Nobody had an inkling of what was going on inside my
head, not even me (but I was starting to guess). I'd been seeing
shrinks for years by this time. I had been identified with a
"genius" IQ but my grades never reflected that. Everybody
wanted to know "what was wrong."
But it was in 6th grade that the real trouble began. First there were
the fights (me getting my ass kicked and humiliated), then came the name
calling (at that time, "fag" was bad enough, but then they
started by calling me "girl"), and me pushing the limits of
what I could get away with on an anti-social level. I got kicked
out of my Catholic school and sent to a public one. I lasted there
for about a year and went back to my original Catholic school (why I'll
never know). I lasted about 3 months there before my parents
decided to move and switch me to yet another school. And things
went downhill from there.
It was at this time that I started to figure out that I had issues
relating to my own gender -- lots of dressing up, starting to explore
those desires. I was constantly in fights (I was able to hold my
own, but got pummeled regularly), I was definitely not the popular kid.
I was occasionally called "fag" and other things, though no
one had any real reason to do so other than the fact that I was very
small for my age at that time. More fighting and my grades hitting
rock bottom. The girls in my class never looked at me with any
serious consideration of dating -- I was a novelty at best. The
sessions with the shrinks became more and more frequent. I was
even removed from school for 2 weeks "to take me somewhere where
they'll help me get better" (I was in abject terror over that one).
Then came high school. God what a torture chamber that became.
I tried everything under the sun to try and identify with something.
There was church (what a joke), there was academics (not my crowd),
there were the stoners (not my crowd...yet), and then there were the
general outcasts where I finally found a modicum of repsect. Even
this, though, wasn't carte blanche for me to really express myself.
Growing up in a midwestern town full of bigots, factory workers, bible
thumpers and soccer moms does not tend to allow oneself free expression.
So I hid I expressed myself (or tried to anyway) in theater, drawing,
and writing, all of which I was very good at. I would fantasize
that I had the female lead in our various stage productions. This
was, in large part, my primary refuge from the storm.
The rest of my high school was spent hiding and repressing things.
I had nervous breakdowns on a regular basis, though I never really let
anyone know about them. I suffered in silence. My entire
class was sure that I was gay. I tried to explain myself to a
couple of people I felt close to, but I soon realized that that could
bring much more problems than I was prepared to deal with, so I just
shut the hell up at that point.
It wasn't until much later, long after high school became a waning
memory, that I finally have admitted to my gender issues, figured out
that this was behind most of my "problems" early on, and start
doing something about them. No longer am I taking the shrinks on
wild goose chases -- I'm working with one to get things sorted out.
I'm finally looking forward to the rest of my life now.
My 1st grade teachers told my parents of this and things started to change
for me then. That's when my parents took me to my first
Doctor for My Gender Problems.
By the time I stared in Jr.High School Every one in School knew about
me.The girls were great they would help me Explore My female side,but the
boys always gave me shit. That's when I decided to Start my Transformation
Into Teri Lynn.
That was the best thing I could have done,The boys could not believe That
I looked as nice as the rest of the girls. They stopped calling me a fag
as much. Some of the guys secretly ask to date me. I fit in better
dressing as a girl that being a fem looking boy.
In high school Most everyone accepted me as I am If I had not gone a head
and started my change I think it would have been even harder my last 4
years of High School.
In college that was the best I told no one about me and was accepted as a
girl without any Question.
Only people I knew well I ever told.
Thanks
Teri Lynn
Subject: High School
During recess, he and I would play far off
away from the other children, and we'd make up stories
and pretend with each other. There was some kind of
common bond between us. After 1st grade though, he
had to move across the country. At the last time we
met, he and I made a pact holding hands saying that
we'd never be apart in spirit and that we'd be
soulmates. It was as if we had married each other.
Subject: High School
I excelled academically yet was never teased for being a bookworm. I was
friendly with a lot of people but was not in the "A" crowd. I was not
totally without some athletic ability but didn't play on any school
sport teams.
I guess my ability to adapt to the people around me worked
although I was never comfortable with myself. I hated the locker room in
gym especially when we had swimming and had to walk past the swimming
and diving pools buck naked to get swimsuits from a pile in a little
room.
I managed to bluff my way through those incidents. Towards the
end of high school people started asking why I didn't date so I had to
get a girlfriend for just long enough to quiet them up. I would much
rather have had a boyfriend!
From: Kelly
I first noticed my gender issue as it relates to school the first day of
first grade. It was a Catholic school, and I felt stupid wearing one of
those clip on plaid ties. It wasn't bad really... it was just what you
had to do!
Still, people didn't know what to make of me and didn't relate. so I hung
around with the musicians, which was a lot of fun.
Trust me!
From:Dani
Subject: Jr. HighSchool
Dani
Click
here
BACK To Index