Emma's Question of the Week

High School Page 1 High School Page 2 High School Page 3 High School Page 4 High School Page 5 UK School Experiences Canadian High School Page Australian High School Page

From: Jesse
Subject: High School

I never felt like I belonged to either sex, but as soon as middle school started, and i was switched to a different school, the differences began to prevail.

Unlike the other girls, i had no qualms about shaving my legs nor not wearing any makeup to cover up my awful case of acne... However, at the time, i thought it was just a stage... in eighth grade i was once again switched to another school, and the gender factor began to prevail, starting in gym class.

The girls and boys had separate locker rooms, but a few times, as i exited the locker room, some boys would start pointing and yelling "a boy's coming out of the girl's locker room!" it could be worse, but as i tried to fit it and become a girl - shaving my legs, wearing skirts to school dances, etc - i felt like a faker.. this was not me, i knew, but i had no word to identify how i was feeling...

By ninth grade, i was in another high school, and the gender question popped up once again, but now it pervaded in almost every class. However, in English class, i came across the word "androgynous" and i felt as if i fit the definition perfectly... but, also as a freshman, i continued to try to ingratiate myself with the girls whom i was new to in school, but that had its successes and failures..

While a few accepted me, they attempted to give me make overs, all of with failed.. but, during that year, i discovered that although i was born female, my gender was not.

By diving into S.E. Hinton's novels, and reading all of them, i began to empathize with the characters.. almost like mental rpg... i became the boys in her books and felt almost apathetic when i was not reading and pretending to be in the Outsiders or Rumble Fish.

By tenth grade, the jokes began to pour upon me as i had a double period of gym.. although i was not athletic, i never put any effort into class, but because i stopped shaving my legs and started to dress like a boy, i confused almost everyone and got laughed at for many things.. mostly appearing ambiguous though... but it didn't bother me...

During the second half of the year, i developed a notorious reputation as a violent, destructive person... part of it stemmed from anger, and part from frustration... i was angry with myself for being "this way" and frustrated because i could not be accepted for being me - in school and at home.. however, i did not cave in to my anger... instead, it dissipated as i discovered my passion - creative writing. through my characters, i could be whoever i pleased and wanted to be, without qualms and without mockery from anyone.

-Jesse James

From: Cynthia

Hi there.  I found this site through accidental....
I understand you're asking about peoples' junior high experiences....

I knew I wasn't exactly a boy as early as 4 years old, but never felt I could tell anyone, and the more I saw of people the more my fear of reprisal became justified.  I was raised to think there were only boys and girls, and that because I was born with a dick I had to be a boy...everybodys' way.

You can see what kind of self-hatred this was leading to, especially when I almost fell in with an "Exodus"-type "we can change you through prayer" kind of ex-everything=including-queer group.  Thank Goddess I got away from there!.../but at the time I believed all the bull about how guys should be guys, so I didn't feel I could be myself.

Add to this that my junior high experience proves what Kate Bornstein says about how people split into "normals" and "freaks," and then the "normals" make the "freaks" hate themselves.  You bet yer life I was singled out as "different!" and not just on gender.  My nose was "too big" (I love it now), my teeth were "too weird" (now "Goth" kids wanna know where I bought such cool fangs), I listened to the "wrong" music (no change, but now it's *my* music), and the news had hit the school about my having not had the "acceptable" amount and arrangement of body parts (after what I dealt with from "science" as a kid I identify totally with Archangel from X-Men, that's another story, let's just say no junior high experience is complete without getting your ass beaten for having had more than "acceptable" # of toes).

And I wasn't "manly" enough for my school.  I have never been into sports, I have always been more "femme" in most ways (though my school experience led me to grow up like my hero Jo on "Facts of Life").  I sucked at gym (the last time I liked gym was 2nd grade, when we played with that parachute to such upbeat songs as "Gloria").  I've always had more "girl" friends than "guys" and have always felt much more comfortable around girl/femme-types.  I walked "too faggy," never mind that was from relearning how to walk at age 10 (after getting mutilated by doctors you gotta relearn how, funny thing is now I'm told I walk like a drag queen, I like to think I walk like Sinsetro from "Green Lantern" comics), that my wrists were too limp" (I still occasionally have to fight people in the streets over that, junior high helped me learn how).

And I listened to a lot of queer English music, still do, but didn't know it back then--only found out Pet Shop Boys are gay a year ago, sure didn't know why I'd get beaten for that at 13.  And I've always had such long pretty nails girls are still jealous!--so you can imagine what it was like then.

I think junior high also saved me, though.  I learned how to fight, though mainly from large girls fighting my battles for me  (I had friends even then) though didn't know it counted what with the other crap).  I became close with them, and even almost went to my prom with one (had I gone, I would've).  I got more  into dark and (some) queer English music, along with Cyndi Lauper, I really think Ian Curtis and Morrissey saved my life to some degree.

I learned early on why you have to stand up for yourself, because you're here as you are for a reason and it's the world that's insane for trying to stick us all in little (pine) boxes.  I learned that I am **proud** to be a "frak" and that I don't want to be "normal" if it means giving up who I am.  I wish more people could learn that in junior high, instead of still hating themselves in their 30s, 40s and sometimes forever.  I'd say junior high was survival and combat training, more demanding even than what Ripley learned in the Alien series.  But it doesn't mean I enjoyed it, and it also doesn't mean that people should have to go though this kind of environment on their own, either.

Hope you have time to read the whole mess,
Cynthia BrianKate

From: Sara
Subject: HighSchool

Hi freshman year was when I noticed I was differnt from other in my class. I found my self feeling more comfortable around girls that were my age. I had several freinds all girls, no freinds that were boys. I also found my self taking theater class because I could use more feminine rolls.

At home I would dress in my mothers clothes while she was away. Some times I would wear her panties under my male boxers to school. I felt more comfortable that way also I would shave whole body at that age I took swimming class so no one thought much of it .

sara cathrine

Back to High School Page one