Eva's follow-up Page
Eva's
2007 follow up
From: Eva-n Scarborough
Subject: Update from
Eva (hidden life) after ~2-3 years
Dear Aunt Jenny,
It is
now August 24,2006 and I am 4 months into physically transitioning MTF -
The effects of feminizing hormones is to the point I can't hide them
completely under normal male clothing, so I can truly say the closet is
nailed shut and I am not just investing time and a bit of money on fashion
and Nair to keep the mohair-like head-to-toe covering at bay. I still
invest in those, but I have now invested my whole life and being into
becoming permanently female as much as technology and the current laws
allow. After these few years of self acceptance I have discovered
much to the chagrin of Fundamentalist Baptists and others of similar dogma
that I can take hormones, dress as a woman and live life as such and God
is still in my life (I did not self-combust) and He is not angry!
I
have not been blasted into smoking bits of well-done toast, nor have
traumatic disasters (of which there have been several since my first post)
been able to shake me loose from my faith - it is stronger than ever!! In
fact I feel it necessary to preach "Love thy neighbor as yourself" - even
if the new folks next door are Transgender or they have "those awful body
piercings" or they "wear all those chains and leather", right back in the
faces of those who "Wield the Sword and carry the Good News" but don't
have a clue who they are, who they are talking to or what is tactful,
appropriate or delivered with the Love of God. How does one love one's
self? How do you treat yourself if you do love yourself? I think most
folks would treat themselves well, and when possible do the right things
to be healthy and happy. (?) Therefore I have to take this path because I
love myself and that Love is growing daily too and only now can I start to
appreciate and love my neighbors in the same way. I can say without
hypocrisy, "Hi neighbor, what are your hopes and dreams - may I help you
find them? Or "you're crying, may I help you" or "Hello ma"am, may I carry
those trash cans to the curb for you" or even "Hey! can I come over and
sing with you?" even though I am TG_female now. Oh, my gosh! What if they
are Christians with black suits and ties (like I was), what will I do
then? Or Muslim fanatics or Hasidic Jews or Gothic or meth-heads or rock
and roll musicians, drama freaks and hippies? Just what I have been doing
for me now that I actually love myself and am out in the open - caring and
trying to show it!
I am now able to worship in Spirit
and Truth - He tolerated Evan, the hiding Gollum-like creature, but I love
myself now and accept myself like my God does and He already knew that I
would have to go through all these changes just to say this to you! That,
my friends was His GIFT to me (all the years of soul-abuse I afflicted on
myself thinking I had a curse, a demon, an evil thing – phooey!) it took
me 35 years from discovery at age 12 to accept it and now as far as my
transitioning progress goes I am the approximate equivalent of a 15 year
old girl (surprisingly it seems in many ways as I discover the joys of
hormones, mood swings and bodily changes). Why did I wait so long? Maybe
you need to hear this right now it is a good enough reason for
me!
After the last ~3 years, virtually alone and
struggling with what to do to survive, though remaining decisively
self-accepting (and many days it was a stubborn act of will to hold on to
me), I had to reach out to find what I urgently needed – understanding
companionship; I could not get through these changes alone. "They" would
never have known I was here if I just kept silent & they did not come
looking for me. I found a support group here in the "Inland Empire" area
of Southern California. Transgendered_soul - a Yahoo group and meeting in
person in the Riverside/San Bernardino area - I am finally not alone in my
journey and I have a family again I am a sister to many and I have sisters
and brothers that are so spiritual and blessed by "God" - that is how I
define the universal powers that be - and you may read into that space
your definition for you or none at all if that is your choice. You have
made it here to "antijen.org" so maybe you are searching like I was – well
you are almost home. There are wonderful resources right here on Aunt
Jenny"s site and others to be found if you search
carefully.
We (including you that read this now) are
brothers and/or sisters and I can tell you it is so good to be out in the
sunlight with my skin fitting right for the first time in my life! This is
where we all should be, tolerant of, if not outright embracing each other
in full view (with a few exceptions for safety perhaps because there are
still Neanderthals in the crowd - but we outnumber them now). I think
everything but one reference in my first post is still valid. But I have
more experience on the outside of that closet door now - it is nailed shut
forever and never will I crawl back into that horrid
place!
The only important change I would make to that
first post was my reference to being a cross-dresser. No I was not and am
not, though that is what I looked like when I was in secret coping poorly
with the girl-child inside my man-skin. But I now know my "driving wheel"
is not the putting on of outfits or perfumes or a wash-off persona, but
rather it is the stripping away of the persona and cloying soggy fabric of
unfounded dogma (learned by force or necessity in the 60"s and 70"s) and
all the other learned trappings of traditional male-ness; I am uncovering
the real Eva underneath! Transition is my gateway to a full and happy life
right out here where everyone else is able to walk freely. King Solomon
said, (pardon the "Eva" paraphrase if you are a nit-picker) "The whole
duty of [a person] is to Love the Lord [his or her] God with all your
being and to live and enjoy life to the brim!" That is what Eva is all
about. I will not hide! I will not go back in the closet, I will live
right out in the open and I will not be quiet for long periods of time,
since listening is good too a few breaks are in order - in between my
shouts of Joy and Praise and dancing and singing and loving life! Like
King David naked before the Arc of the Covenant - I never could love life
until now! I think I know how he felt that day.
I
have discovered 2 new (and offsetting) emotions in 4 months of
transitioning; one is to collapse overwhelmed in "weepy-girl-stuff" and
the other is the amazingly good "squishy-melting-mmmm" like creamy
chocolate (with caramel and whipped cream, mmmm-squish yum) rolling around
on the tongue! As Evan I never had those feeling/emotions, but I would
watch women, wide-eyed with wonder when they burst out in the one
direction or the other or both simultaneously! (Guys – don't try this at
home)! Now that I am seeing and feeling the effects of being true to
myself I get those too and I love it (I like the "squishy–melting-mmmm"
the best but the other feels so good when the release is over and I will
not willingly go back. And nobody told me how good I would feel in my own
skin (and breasts of my own are just too "…mmmm" to describe even though
very small yet – if guys only knew, there would not be many guys left) and
it is so joyful I want to dance and sing and shout about it - even on the
bad days it is so much better than I dared to dream! One other little
change - I have a new middle name, "Genevieve" (There was nothing to be
done with "Kent" - sorry mom and dad – I tried even with many loving
suggestions). Call it Harry Benjamin's Syndrome if you like or use
some other term, but first strip away the entire stigma and call me Eva or
"Eva-Genevieve" - I am a lady and the outside will soon look right. In
another year or so I will legally have the "F" box checked instead of "M"
and then I am just "that lady" with a wide, loving, (shit-eating)
grin! Yup, that's her!
Don't hide, don't be
afraid to be yourself right out in the sunshine if you need a friend to
stand with you, I am available regardless of your self-identification (if
Aunt Jenny is willing. She can 'hook us up') and I can introduce you to
several others if you are out here on the lower left side of the
'States'.
When you are true to yourself you're beautiful
and you shine like the Sun! And that gives life and hope to others - Dare
to dream and live boldly!
Yours with Love,
Eva-Genevieve Scarborough.
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