Eva's 2nd Follow up letter

Dear Aunt Jenny,

Here I am, back once again with yet another update. Tomorrow I celebrate my first “full-time” year as Eva-Genevieve. I am now 15 months on hormones and still going forward as fast as is humanly possible (though financial limitations are still looming very large). It was on July 24th 2006 that I went to my first support group meeting and at that meeting I found such acceptance and welcome into my real family that I decided then and there that Evan was not coming home and he has not – though there has been a bittersweet grieving period over his departure. He got me here in one-piece in spite of many harsh obstacles and so I celebrate his passing here too. He and I do have many good, shared memories to hold on to as well.

Perhaps in some other forum I will discuss my being a “two-spirit” but suffice it to say that Evan is still with me in spirit and only for the sake of simplicity I say he is “gone” – though the grieving process was necessary so that a coherent and whole me could finally be born.

Again I look back at my earlier posts here and I see that indeed I was already onto the proper path. I could recount manywonderful and a few horrible encounters with people and bureaucracies (but one does not need to be trans to experience those). I am happier and much more mentally balanced than I have been in living memory even with a nuisancen ridden affliction of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. Sure I get depressed and/or "fragmented" and have sad or stupid moments but I have not one regret about being a girl and it seems that the down times are so brief – punctuated with tears and sobs too, but I spring right back – something unheard of in my former dark “pseudo-man” days when I spent days and weeks hiding in the dark like Gollum holding on to his “Precious” or hoping that a stray train or bus would run me down and end the misery.

I daily and sometimes hourly thank my God for this wonderful and joyous gift of being free to be me out in the Sunlight. I would not know this joy if I had not survived the darkness.
I was correct early on when I predicted that it would be the useless people that were filtered out of my life and my true friends would remain with strengthened bonds. My joy and openness about myself has won many new friends in many odd places – Church, Grocery Stores, and Restaurants and even in several “straight” bars (I seldom go to “specialty” places now) – even some road paving crew members that see me out regularly on my long walks call me over to chat with them. There is really life out here and most times it is great! I even was invited to be a guest speaker at a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) meeting at my old High School (Cleveland High in Reseda, CA) – 52 young people crammed into a small room to hear and ask really pointed questions – such a vibrant and alive group of future world movers and shakers! (This invite was the result of being a volunteer at last years Models of Pride conference about the same time as my previous update – ref: "www.modelsofpride.org"). I felt so many of the old never stitched-up dangling ends of my youth actually reach closure that day. What an experience – treading the 35-year-older hallways that the strange boy-child version of me walked, but as a lady now – a very interesting day!


I now walk for my health – almost 15 miles daily when weather and other things allow me the space to be so free (and I don’t own a working car so there are necessities like one mile to the nearest bus-stop). Lately triple digit heat keeps me in and so I gain weight cooking, and eating while huddled by the A/C – I am an Idaho born girl and need cool to live. I discovered that I love to cook and am really good at it and the weight added on hormones goes mostly to places that "work" for me (I actually hope it makes my butt look big)! I am now working cleaning peoples houses and also am an IHSS (In Home Support Service) worker through the Dept of Public Social Services. I am building a whole new life and it is amazing to see it for myself – it is like watching and seeing God’s fingers poking gently at the forming pot on the “wheel”.


The amazing thing is that after this year I am very comfortable with just being me and I am now finding that I often “pass” without even trying to. I am told by people that know about me of other people that remained clueless through an encounter with me, even though I still think I often resemble the “bearded-lady”. Hair is still my biggest problem and I keep the cosmetic suppliers in business buying sweat-proof cover-up foundation (and trowels).

 

One friend of mine that was doing “Zumba” Dance Workout demo at a street fair in Redlands last week told me that a friend of hers that had met me there that day did not know I was not genetic (though that friend of hers does know some other trans folk that work out with them – what a self-esteem boost that news was). It does not bother me to be stared at unless it is extremely obvious and I have tried to be myself with style and boldly go where I want to, and it has apparently worked. I went to a large Square Dance meet just to watch a couple nights ago and was amazed at the wonderfully warm reception by almost everyone there (only 3 or 4 people out of about 100 shot me side long glances and avoided me). I may just have to take up fancy shoe, ruffled blouses, frilly petty-skirts and bloomers to join the choreographed pandemonium! Belly Dancing did not work for me because of an old back injury, but I really tried it too.


Hormones steadily for 15 months (and giving myself permission to feel for people and for my needs openly) has been interesting as I watch my attitudes and perceptions of the world and it’s occupants change. Progress is sometimes painfully slow and sometimes sudden and disconcerting. I even met a man I really liked and wanted to grab him up (for oh-so-many tender moments) but I have not the equipment to support such a one (yet) and so sadly I have to step back and let go <tears>. But I can’t even hide that because he is a very nice man I see in Church every Sunday and thus I grow up a bit more.


I am looking for a “husband”, but it ceased to be a boy/girl thing during this year and is now clearly a matter of heart and spirit only. (What would the world be like if the gender prejudice vanished all around us)? Any presenting gender is OK – I am not suddenly forgetting what I am made of or how I am getting here, but I just don’t want to be the “head” of household. No Way – I tried that and failed miserably before. My 2 wonderful boys wound up getting the brunt of the collateral damage from that 14 year doomed attempt to be a “real man”.


If you drive a Volkswagen Beetle that has the wiring harness of a Cadillac in it, beware – there will be some dysfunction naturally happening! So I am still seeking the Cadillac body-transplant as soon as I can.


I also feel the ticking of time daily as I watch the miracle that God is doing here in my body and soul – I am 52 years old and when hopefully “finished” with the physical parts of transition in a couple more years I will not have all that long to live healthily and free in the world and all too soon I will be elderly.  I don’t want to be alone – I have this great deep-seated need to be committed to sharing my life with one (or ones) special while I have something really good to share. (Even for the uglier parts of my transition I would love to have someone there with me). If I could go back 20-30 years and start this then Perhaps I would not be in such a hurry or so thirsty for a life-partnering.


To all you young readers of this (and all the rest) that know beyond a doubt who you are (and that emphasis is paramount) – you better be sure transition is right before you start and have a support system too. It is for your benefit I still echo and amplify everything I said in my last update at 4 months:


“Don't hide, don't be afraid to be yourself right out in the sunshine...” and,  “When you are true to yourself you're beautiful and you shine like the Sun! And that gives life and hope to others - Dare to dream and live boldly!”


I am so happy now it makes up for all the unwitting torture and confusion of my first 50 years. Something to do with living right and living well - finally!


Big Hugs,
Eva-Genevieve