This is page 3
I will keep adding as you keep writing
Subject: High School
I never felt like I belonged to either sex, but as soon as middle school started, and i was switched to a different school, the differences began to prevail.
Unlike the other girls, i had no qualms about shaving my legs nor not wearing any makeup to cover up my awful case of acne... However, at the time, i thought it was just a stage... in eighth grade i was once again switched to another school, and the gender factor began to prevail, starting in gym class.
The girls and boys had separate locker rooms, but a few times, as i exited the locker room, some boys would start pointing and yelling "a boy's coming out of the girl's locker room!" it could be worse, but as i tried to fit it and become a girl - shaving my legs, wearing skirts to school dances, etc - i felt like a faker.. this was not me, i knew, but i had no word to identify how i was feeling...
By ninth grade, i was in another high school, and the gender question popped up once again, but now it pervaded in almost every class. However, in English class, i came across the word "androgynous" and i felt as if i fit the definition perfectly... but, also as a freshman, i continued to try to ingratiate myself with the girls whom i was new to in school, but that had its successes and failures..
While a few accepted me, they attempted to give me make overs, all of with failed.. but, during that year, i discovered that although i was born female, my gender was not.
By diving into S.E. Hinton's novels, and reading all of them, i began to empathize with the characters.. almost like mental rpg... i became the boys in her books and felt almost apathetic when i was not reading and pretending to be in the Outsiders or Rumble Fish.
By tenth grade, the jokes began to pour upon me as i had a double period of gym.. although i was not athletic, i never put any effort into class, but because i stopped shaving my legs and started to dress like a boy, i confused almost everyone and got laughed at for many things.. mostly appearing ambiguous though... but it didn't bother me...
During the second half of the year, i developed a notorious reputation as a violent, destructive person... part of it stemmed from anger, and part from frustration... i was angry with myself for being "this way" and frustrated because i could not be accepted for being me - in school and at home.. however, i did not cave in to my anger... instead, it dissipated as i discovered my passion - creative writing. through my characters, i could be whoever i pleased and wanted to be, without qualms and without mockery from anyone.
Hi there. I found this site through accidental....
I understand you're asking about peoples' junior high experiences....
I knew I wasn't exactly a boy as early as 4 years old, but never felt I could tell anyone, and the more I saw of people the more my fear of reprisal became justified. I was raised to think there were only boys and girls, and that because I was born with a dick I had to be a boy...everybodys' way.
You can see what kind of self-hatred this was leading to, especially when I almost fell in with an "Exodus"-type "we can change you through prayer" kind of ex-everything=including-queer group. Thank Goddess I got away from there!.../but at the time I believed all the bull about how guys should be guys, so I didn't feel I could be myself.
Add to this that my junior high experience proves what Kate Bornstein says about how people split into "normals" and "freaks," and then the "normals" make the "freaks" hate themselves. You bet yer life I was singled out as "different!" and not just on gender. My nose was "too big" (I love it now), my teeth were "too weird" (now "Goth" kids wanna know where I bought such cool fangs), I listened to the "wrong" music (no change, but now it's *my* music), and the news had hit the school about my having not had the "acceptable" amount and arrangement of body parts (after what I dealt with from "science" as a kid I identify totally with Archangel from X-Men, that's another story, let's just say no junior high experience is complete without getting your ass beaten for having had more than "acceptable" # of toes).
And I wasn't "manly" enough for my school. I have never been into sports, I have always been more "femme" in most ways (though my school experience led me to grow up like my hero Jo on "Facts of Life"). I sucked at gym (the last time I liked gym was 2nd grade, when we played with that parachute to such upbeat songs as "Gloria"). I've always had more "girl" friends than "guys" and have always felt much more comfortable around girl/femme-types. I walked "too faggy," never mind that was from relearning how to walk at age 10 (after getting mutilated by doctors you gotta relearn how, funny thing is now I'm told I walk like a drag queen, I like to think I walk like Sinsetro from "Green Lantern" comics), that my wrists were too limp" (I still occasionally have to fight people in the streets over that, junior high helped me learn how).
And I listened to a lot of queer English music, still do, but didn't know it back then--only found out Pet Shop Boys are gay a year ago, sure didn't know why I'd get beaten for that at 13. And I've always had such long pretty nails girls are still jealous!--so you can imagine what it was like then.
I think junior high also saved me, though. I learned how to fight, though mainly from large girls fighting my battles for me (I had friends even then) though didn't know it counted what with the other crap). I became close with them, and even almost went to my prom with one (had I gone, I would've). I got more into dark and (some) queer English music, along with Cyndi Lauper, I really think Ian Curtis and Morrissey saved my life to some degree.
I learned early on why you have to stand up for yourself, because you're here as you are for a reason and it's the world that's insane for trying to stick us all in little (pine) boxes. I learned that I am **proud** to be a "frak" and that I don't want to be "normal" if it means giving up who I am. I wish more people could learn that in junior high, instead of still hating themselves in their 30s, 40s and sometimes forever. I'd say junior high was survival and combat training, more demanding even than what Ripley learned in the Alien series. But it doesn't mean I enjoyed it, and it also doesn't mean that people should have to go though this kind of environment on their own, either.
Hope you have time to read the whole mess,
Hi freshman year was when I noticed I was differnt from other in my class. I found my self feeling more comfortable around girls that were my age. I had several freinds all girls, no freinds that were boys. I also found my self taking theater class because I could use more feminine rolls.
At home I would dress in my mothers clothes while she was away. Some times I would wear her panties under my male boxers to school. I felt more comfortable that way also I would shave whole body at that age I took swimming class so no one thought much of it .
I hope this comes to be of use to somone.
My name is Allen. Male, Age 19, Male to Female Transgender. I couldn't bare to tell my dad out loud so I left this on the table in an envalope before going to bed to make sure that he got it and to prevent me from taking it back at the last minute.
If anyone requests my contact information, anybody can reach me at Sephroe@hotmail.com
perhaps that could be tacked on with the story for anyone to reach me if they need to. *shrugs*
To dad from Allen.
I have a question, "Did you ever feel that you should have had three daughters?". The reason why I ask is because I feel as though I should have been the third daughter. Or second to be technical since I’m the middle child. I don’t like being a guy, and I wish to become a girl. I’ve been trying to tell you for a while out loud, but something would get in the way, or I would actually be to scared to say it out loud. And here I thought that I wasn’t afraid of anything. Last night, Tuesday night, you saw me standing there as you went back to bed, I tried my hardest to tell you, I was screaming in my mind and driving myself insane. I tried to tell you but I couldn’t, just like every other time. And I would just turn away and sulk.
Yeah I know, I’m a real screw up. Why you and the rest of the family didn’t stuff me into a small trunk and put me up for adoption or something is beyond me. With all the problems I had back when I was 13-15, had I known about being able to change genders, I could have told you back then. And maybe all that could have been avoided. And If I would have told you back then, and had you supported my feelings and choice, I could be a much happier person now. Especially since things such as hormones would have had a much greater effect at a younger age.
I should have asked much sooner, but since I can’t turn back time, I’ll ask you now "Will you allow me to become a girl?". I don’t think I have to try hard to show you that I mean it. I know you’ve seen me dressed up on random occasions when you’ve woke me up in the morning. And some of those times I purposely wanted you to see in hopes that you would say something and talk to me about it. I did it back when I was 14, and I still do it now. But all I get is a stare, and never a chance to talk.
I tell people all the time that they have to talk in order to get things done, and I push real hard to get people to talk. But since you won’t I will, and I hope you will come to me with this paper in hand ready to talk to me. I know letters like these from child to parent and vice versa are suppose to be filled with a bunch of "I love you"s and stuff, but honestly I don’t believe I can say I know the feeling, and I have never said it to anyone and mean it. But in all honesty, I couldn’t ask for a better father.
You can say whatever you would like, you can even say ‘no’. Just don’t throw this paper away and not say a word. Talk to me. I needed you to do that then when I was 14, but you never did. All you said is "Heather is very upset with you" then you then turned away. But I need you now. So talk to me.
If you can’t think of anything to say, just come to me with this letter in hand.
Subject: High School
I live in a city which prides itself for being populated almost entirely by rednecks. Our high school football teams goes to state basically every year. Even being atheist is almost unheard of, let alone someone being gay.
So, yes, I was singled out. Not only was I liberal, I was also atheist, and of course, transsexual. Some might say I had a death wish.
Somewhere along the line, people started to notice that something was a bit off about me. Maybe it was the bounce in my step. Maybe it was the way I talked with my hands. Maybe it was that my favorite toy was a Polly Pocket. Needless to say, ALL of the boys made fun of me.
In seventh grade, I was placed in advanced placement classes. Everyone in my class was very close knit. However, that didn't stop the name calling from changing from nerd and loser to gay and faggot.
I responded in possibly one of the worst ways possible. I tried to be "manly". I hated everyone. I was aggressive, I beat up kids for fun. All my clothes changed from polo shirts and blue jeans to black leather jackets and black jeans.
Eventually, after all my friends started estranging themselves from me, I decided I needed to change for the better. In eighth grade I came back to school with longer hair, and a smile. I made a ton of friends and had one of the best years of my short life. With the support of friends, I felt like I could just express myself and be free. I still have yet to do the whole "coming out" thing though...
High school hasn't been so great... but anyways, I guess the whole point of this is just to say, BE YOURSELF! Don't let harsh, hurtful words change you. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." That being said, be safe with your actions.