The Antijen Pages

***Updates***

6-23-05 It's a bird it's a plane, no it's an update! Wow imagine that. I haven't been able to update for a while because I have been in the process of moving and haven't really had access to my computer. It's a long story and you can read about it here. I am going to Toronto, probably, eventually, but it's a long story and you should read about it here. I've also put up a new picture gallery and updated a bunch of the others. Enjoy. Ingrates. No, really I love you all--maybe.

5-24-05 Ok, it's been a while since I've updated, but I had a virus on my computer that I had to take care of. That and the fact that my life is insane; read the news below.

4-11-05 New Pictures.

4-11-05 New Essay. I had an Audition. It was in Canada. It was crazy. Read the story. Read the News.

3-12-05 New News. Thoughts on activism.

2-27-05 New pictures.

2-26-05 There is a new book out about *gasp* a young transsexual. This young transsexual isn't a prostitute or even an ax murderer, now I know what you Bailey fans are thinking and no, she's not a hair dresser either, just a normal kid. It's good too. The book is called Luna. If you can you should go buy it.

I've also added a new section for books to the links page. Right now it only has links to Evelyn's Mom I need to be a Girl and Luna but I'll update when I find more books written about or for young trans people...so yeah...That'll be any day now...

2-04-05 I have a new essay on my page about the most frightening aspect of transition: Doubts. I think people are either extremely lucky of extremely delusional if they go through transition without any doubts. For my family and my own public image, I'd like to present a picture of perfection. That I'm perfectly sure of transition and I've never had a second thought.

Doubts on our part give hope and ammunition to those who would rather see us not transition. So it feels like we should keep quiet about them, but they're there and they're real and they don't mean we should quit. That's why I'm posting this essay.

Jayne

PS, I updated and fixed a lot of stuff on the Picture Page. Enjoy.

2-02-05 I am healing up fine folks. I'm back on my feet and feeling pretty good. I'd like to return to work any day now, I just have to wait for the phone to ring (for a substitute job or a gig).

****News****

5-24-05 So, you guy have all been dying to know what happened with the audition, right? Well so was I, for about a month. I have to tell you, I was going out of my skull waiting to hear back from them. Really, it was getting bad. I don't think I can really describe the tension and self doubt. I felt like quite the failure as two weeks came and went, and then a third and then a fourth. Finally I got some information. It's not complete and nothing is guaranteed but I'll share with you what I have:

The reason it was taking forever was bureaucracy. They want to offer me a job, but they first have to clear things with Immigration (after all I am a foreigner). They said that it may take until the end of June for all that to clear, so in that case I've signed on to do our big show here over the weekend of July 2-3 and if everything goes well on their end, I should be leaving for Canada a few days after that. Now, nothing is certain, but at least I have something to go on now.  

4-11-05 Surprise, surprise, it turns out I'm actually a circus performer. Last week I had an audition for a circus company in Toronto. I didn't write about it sooner because my life has been insane these last few weeks. More than usual. But, this could mean good things if I get it. It could mean steady income for the first time in a long time. I won't know if I get it for another week, but I have my fingers crossed. I'll let you know as soon as I do.

Jayne

3-12-05 In or Out?

I've got to tell you people, this is a subject that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I think that for me it's important to say things. It's important for me to show people that I'm human and that I deserve rights just like any other human. I'm definitely not stuck being out. I could very easily disappear into the woodwork and go completely stealth. It wouldn't take very much for me to pull this web page down and take away all of the pictures. Hell we don't even have a record on archive.org. It'd be gone. I'd be gone. No worries, no problems, no TS.

But could I really? Would it really be that way? How would I feel when saw another TS person being harassed or stared at for walking down the street? Could I really just think "poor loser" and walk on? What about that M on my driver's license? Most people don't see it, but could I really live my life without paranoia that someone would? And job applications with the question: "Please list any names that you have previously been known by". Do I really want to feel like I'm committing a crime or getting away with something every time I switch jobs?

I think that because I pass, because I could very easily blend in, that I should say something. That I should keep this webpage up because it helps people. I think that's important.

So, why am I writing this? Because I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm doing good work. I'm giving up things in order to speak out and there are some people in the TS community that would say that since I'm doing this, I'm less TS. That because I'm willing to say that I'm TS that somehow makes me less of a woman. These are the same people who bitch that they're not represented, every time a documentary comes out but would be horrified at the thought of being in one. I think if we want to be represented, if we want to be treated as women, then someone has to say something. I don't think that makes me a hero but I also don't think it makes me less of a woman.

I think that stealth is admirable. I think it's a good thing, but I also think it shouldn't be a big deal. I think that people should be able to just transition and blend into the wood work with out so much secrecy. I'd like to see a day when someone finds out you're trans and goes, "oh, ok," instead of "oh my fucking god!"

You don't have to be an activist, you don't have to stand up, but please don't piss on those who do.




Love,
Jayne