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Quick Intro from The Famous Kate

This used to be part of a diary on my website, but in one of many redevelopments the old diaries got taken down for reasons relating mostly to me wanting to regain some degree of privacy in my life. I've basically left them unedited apart from stripping out a couple of days where there were no relevant posts (I doubt you want to read about computer problems, and job problems...).

I hope this is kinda useful to someone; it's now 3 years ago that I went through surgery (or it will be in 6 days time as I write this) and it all seems a terribly long time ago; and vaguely unreal. But I was very lucky, I had essentially no complications and returned to my life relatively quickly....

Anyway, so these are my experiences; to give you a bit more background ('cos I'm generous like that) I was 22 at the time; my dad had just been diagnosed with cancer and my partner had tried to commit suicide shortly before I went into hospital; oh, and I'd just failed my motorbike test. So a lot of the stress of the op was masked by other things going on in my life.... I also ramble a lot. As you can probably guess. So without further ado, my diary. Be nice, and the links in it won't work.

24th October 2001, 13:45.

Sorry, this might be a bit disjointed, I've got evil moodswings going on at the moment, and it's driving me up the wall.

I'm also a bit chilly, I should probably get a jumper, but I can't be arsed right now. Half my clothes are in the wash....

Bah, I've got so much to do in the next few days. I want to put the top-box back on my bike so Mikes welding it back together....I dunno how long it'll last, and it's going to look as ropey as hell, but never mind....

*sigh* I wish I'd not fucked up that bike test.

I don't even know what I did wrong, apart from be too quick, maybe, when I did my stop on the emergency stop. I don't know. *sigh*

3 f*cking minor faults, I'll never be that good on the test again. That's if I make it to the next test, and don't wrap the bike around a tree traveling up the A38 in midwinter. Well. We'll see.

I don't really know what I'm saying here, there's so much stuff going on in my head. I don't seem to be able to hold a thought at all.

Anyway, when I got back from home I did a quick bit of shopping to get some odds and sods for the op. Basically, clothes which aren't disintegrating, particularly knickers which aren't disintegrating. So, now I've got clothes at least, clothes and a portable CD player. I need a little CD holdery-thing, which I'll probably go and get this weekend.

I've been adding to the about me section. Just a bit. A couple of photos. Well, three. I saved the one of my dad sunbathing with a pyramid on his nose for myself. I've not saved this one though: here which is in fact the first and only pack of condoms I've had. It was given to me, just before my 16th birthday, with a talk about safe sex. It's sat in my draw in Hemel, in Eastbury, in Birmingham....and timed out, because not being physically *capable* of having sex, well, not in the traditional sense (I guess there are various forms of sex which I could have been involved in....). But anyway, yes, they timed out, and I located them in my draw, where they're still sat....

Anyway, it amused me slightly. These people saying "take care when you're having sex"....

I keep thinking I ought to at least have some doubts in my mind. I always have some doubts in my mind about things, but I just don't. What about? The surgery of course. I know it's what I want, it's what I've always wanted, well, no that's not strictly true, it's what I've always wanted since I grasped that I could have it. I mean, I'd prefer to be a completely functional female, but this is the nearest I'm going to get so it'll have to do.

Of course it hurts that I'm not going to have kids, although my experiences with John just proved what I thought, I'm not really a kid person, I don't really know what to do/say with babies. The only thing which bothers me at all is the actual fact that I'm going in to have surgery - particularly with such a long run of bad luck preceding it.

But, well, I'll just have to see how it comes out.

And hope that it's okay.

I've not talked about my dad much in this one, you may have noticed. This is because there's currently not much to say. They're going to try a procedure to make him more comfortable, and then it's all down to holistic medicine, really. They don't think the chemotherapy's going to do much for him.

Just kind of slow the cancer down a bit.

*sigh*

But he's a strong bloke, and I *hope* his immune system will manage to push this into remission, with a bit of help.

Anyway, this is my dad, here. Well, it's my mum and my dad.....You know, until yesterday I didn't know that photo even existed...

anyway.


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31/10/01, 11:46

Well its been an incredibly stressful few days and well, I'm terrified that when I come out one of my closest friends - no, she's more than that. She's someone I love...will be dead.

I'm trying not to think about that. To paraphrase Lauren - I don't half pick them...

Anyway - moving away from that...I'm actually in hospital now; the nerves are quite definately here in force. Basically my brain isnt working very well now - it's all occupied with one thought pretty much. I guess thats fairly unsurprising.

This ward seems to be mostly full of old people which I find a bit odd....

Aaaanyway....I think that'll do...



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31/10/01, 12:09

Well, bloods been taken for testing and the picolax has been taken....okay now I'm *really* nervous!



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31/10/01, 12:50

Well, I've just had an amusing lunch - jelly, sorbet and black tea. It seems a bit odd to eat having just taken something whos express purpose is to empty me of food...

One thing which is bugging me is that I dont really know what's happening. I've never been in hospital myself before and I could really do with someone saying: "Well at about x o'clock this is going to happen, then at y o'clock that'll happen", etc. etc.

Anyway, listening to elastica (how could they split up?) and waiting for the picolax to kick in.....



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31/10/01, 13.00

#da da da
#da da da
#da da da
I don't love you
(#da da da)
You don't love me...



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31/10/01, 13:45

Well, the picolax has started working...now. Which is err...fun...hrm. And I've had a visit from our Mike....checking that I'm sure...

Mostly I'm bored atm. And it's only going to get worse! But I'm saving the magazines for afterwards....so atm it's daytime radio/TV....

Never did get to get a photo of me by the "Keep off the groynes" signs....



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31/10/01, 15:29

Help me, I'm trapped in a holiday inn!



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31/10/01, 19:26

So, it's now half seven; and I took the picolax just after midday and I'm still going to the loo! Bearing in mind that I had my usual reaction to stress last night and I didn't have any breakfast you'd not think I'd have so much in me...well that said I don't actually have anything in me....but I still need the loo...

Anyway I managed to get a nice bath in and, well, shave the required area, shall we say.

.....back to the bathoom...



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31/10/01, 19:55

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch (just had an injection of anti-coagulent), ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch (it's like a sodding bee sting only itchier), ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.



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31/10/01, 21:14

Well, I'm actually quite tired so I'll probably head off to sleep soon....I'm actually very nervous now - I know that this is what I want but the actual operation scares the sh*t out of me.

As long as I could find things to occupy my mind I didn't really worry but now the only thing left is sleep and then a shower.

I'm still rather sore from the anti-coagulent - although I'm sure that's nothing compared to what I'm going to be feeling like tomorrow night! I'm also in need of the loo again!

Okay, this is scary, lying alone in a hospital miles from my loved ones (all of them). I suppose of them all Lauren is closest and she's, what, about 80 miles away - I feel terribly alone. I could do with a hug to be honest....

[Raoul & the Kings of Spain]. Incidentally, if anyone is considering the Matsui CD200 - Don't! Although it essentially does what it says on the nasty cheap packaging - plays CDs - it doesn't do it spectacularly well (ohh, just gotta love that hiss!) - it also feels as cheap as it actually is.... :-)

Nuts - sleeping with people reminds me how much I like having someone to hold...makes sleeping alone again that bit harder....

And possibly my final thought for the night - a lot of my friends are going to meet my parents for the first time when I'm incapacitated....is that a wise plan?

Gah - another one....a huge hug to all my friends and my family who've supported me when I've been horribly flakey and a complete state...

However much I try to play down what's going on tomorrow - it's still something I've waited my entire life for - it's a big, scary thing...

And at 8am tomorrow - it'll be happening....

and over by lunchtime - not that I'll be getting any! Okay, now to sleep (yeah, right!).



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01/11/01, 06:26

10 minutes before pre-med begins....sort of nervous anticipation. The item in question has returned to it's smallest "normal" size - about 21/2" - which makes me a bit worried about the possible results.

So, here I sit in a gown and paper knickers awaiting the nurse...hungry and nervous as hell.....



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01/11/01, 19:29

Well, I'm back out and getting some very odd sensations from down below. Apparently it went well - and apart from some major backpain for which I was given a big dose of morpine earlier (although later found that rolling me onto my side for a bit really helped) I'm okay....:-)



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02/11/01, 05:52

I'm starting to grasp what the comments about feeling like a lolly-on-a-stick were about..... Anyway, so in the end i had a second dose of morphine 'cos otherwise I'd really have not got any sleep at all - it's just above my able to cope threshold.

One thing that is driving me insane is the fact I've run out of water but can't reach the sodding "call an assistant" bell, so I think I'm going to have to call a nurse. I tried swiping for it with a bottle of lime but it wasn't having any of it....



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02/11/01, 06:36

#You've got to lift yourself up from the ground
#'cos it's a strange world dragging you down

Although, "She's a good girl" is probably a more appropriate choice.. I've realised why the iPAQ has such problems with some of my writing - it's 'cos I'm a very lazy writer. A lot of my letters are formed from a single unidirectional stroke (for example my r is drawn from the bottom up which seems to result in either an i or a n). Aah well.

Anyway, Mike Royle's going to be popping in at about 8ish I'm told....and I've started to doze off again so I'm going to stop writing in a bit.

Currently there's this enormous sense of anticipation - which I probably should try to loose - I don't want to end up feeling disappointed - although knowing that my body is actually the way I think it should be for the first time in 23 years.....vell that's hard not to be excited about!



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02/11/01, 10:50

One down (drip), 3 to go...



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02/11/01, 14:40

Well, I've been sat up somewhat which has helped enormously with my back [#My mission drive, #is to open my eyes to all the shite you say]. They still seem fairly unwilling to give me much in the way of effective painkillers.

Possibly because all they can give me is morphine which I don't want. As kira said it makes me go away - not the pain. It also seem likely that my drip "tissued" which has not helped my left arm.

On the other hand [#Laugh when he jokes, #Slap him when he chokes] it has at least been taken out which is good. It appears that I'm drinking enough.....thankfully!

Mr Royle seems happy with my progress - which is good....Gah I'm tired again...just came over me like a wave.

Anyway - I'm going to have my tea....



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02/11/01, 15:49

OW! fu*king lolly-on-a-stick....ouch.



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03/11/01, 06:58

Hrm, it appears there's been some "leakage" during the night so a new bandage is in order. I've also been rather overheated as well which has made me feel rather icky.

And finally in my catalogue of misery I've got awful wind....mind you that's put me off eating which is handy.

I still appear to have roughly the concentration span of a goldfish however - which is rather annoying. And the drains are irritating me....still, they're coming out today.



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03/11/01, 07:55

Gah, today is already dragging..

It's odd getting sensations from things you know aren't where they once were and feeling that you know roughly where they are but not really knowing.

I'm alternately being driven nuts by wind, the catheter & the pack atm. The drains being constant background irritation....



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03/11/01, 09:57

Sometimes the world is wonderful....[Monty Python - Penis song]



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03/11/01, 11:59

Oh jesus....had the drains out....that's got to be the weirdest and certainly the least pleasant experience of my life so far.

Imagine if you will a snake under your skin. Now imagine someone pulling it out. Slightly dragging, distinctly painful...I might have been slightly high on Entenox (or however it's spelt) but it's still painful. I did manage to resist letting loose with a stream of swear words but only just!



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04/11/01, 05:15

Well, I should be happily asleep but sadly the combination of tablets I'm on has given me both wind and diarrhoea. Which is fun what with being on bed rest.

The worst thing is that all they'll give me for the wind is this sodding peppermint stuff which has no effect whatsoever on me apart from to make my breath smell nicer.

The diarrhoea isn't as much of a problem, cos I've not eaten for 3 days.....anyway, I feel like crap.



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04/11/01, 11:31

Whenever life gets you down Mrs Brown,
And things seem hard or tough,
And people are stupid, obnoxious, or daft,
And you feel that you've had quite enough,
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
and revolving at 900 miles an hour,
That's orbiting at 90 miles a second,
so it's reckoned,
a sun that's the source of all our power......



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04/11/01, 20:03

Well, the wind and diarrhoea continue....so I've occasionally had to shoo my guests out. It's really unpleasant because I've no real idea when I'm done - it's just a case of perching on the bedpan until nothing has happened for a while and I'm bored...anyway enough about that. It's a big thing in my mind at the moment but I doubt you want to hear about it....

So, yes, yesterday I had James visit, which was cool....having my parents here is really nice but there's a limit to how much we have to talk about.....anyway, so prior to me getting very noticably ill from the antibiotics James was here - and we reverted to our traditional, rather odd conversations - which apart from me shouting "oh god! Help!" at one point (not really a wise plan in a hospital!) and me visualising James in some very fetching goth gear (no James, I still have no intention whatsoever of telling you what precisely - because you'll kill me...) was cool - he also brought some new magazines for me to read which was handy :-)

Some part of my new anatomy has just decided that a spike of pain is a good idea - quite possibly because I've had to move around a lot today (getting onto a bedpan when you're meant to be lying back on bedrest isn't (a)easy or (b)fun).

I've also suddenly become very tired again...

Anyway, so there was this sudden guest maximization today...on top of my parents (who helpfully got me some more nighties today - well big tee-shirts :-) I had Jenny and Lauren come down for the afternoon. And for a little while Rachel too!

Which really did make today much more bearable - because, having diarhoea and wind and being stuck in a hospital....well, it's no fun.

I've also had a bit of a look at my new anatomy - and, it fits nicely with my brain. The front is pretty much exactly how I pictured myself in my head all my life - albeit kinda lacking in the hair department ;-)

The rest? well I've not really had a proper look yet and I'm a bit nervous about that - 'cos I know there's some blood around that area and I know that me and my own blood don't go well together...

I'm also getting some odd sensations from the whole area....not least of which is odd only as far as I'm concerned because I've not been sans-underwear for any period of time and I'm currently in these hideous paper bloomers - 'cos they've run out of the fishnet knickers...!

Anyway - I really am tired now....



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05/11/01, 11:32

ARGH! I'M HUNGRY!

HUNGRY, HUNGRY, HUNGRY. I want to go to Pizza Express, or the Mexican place up the road, or the burger shop (oh god I want a kebab sooo much), anything! Even a McDonalds would do right now. Just some fooooooood! Gaaaaargh.



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05/11/01, 20:48

Foooood!

Well, okay, that was earlier, but hey, I was busy eating!



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06/11/01, 05:22

Well, the diarhoea continues unabated. Indeed, since I've actually eaten there's more of it....so that's sod all sleep for me and my muscles are completely fatigued from holding my arse up in the air. Still - as the nurse said - it'll be better tomorrow.



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06/11/01, 15:21

Well, it's been all go today! Although last night was less than fun - food + diarhoea is not a combination that leads to a good nights rest.

Anyway, so Mr Royle popped by and removed the pack this morning - that was a whole bundle of no fun. The actual removal of the pack wasn't too much of a problem - it was uncomfortable, but definately bearable with the Entenox...it was cutting the stitches which hurt like hell - so much so that the nurses heard my scream (there was only one) and Mike actually had a go at me!
"Oh come on, I've not done anything yet."

Despite a strong desire to shout at him a lot I resisted. Anyway - once that was over and done with we moved onto not being in bed anymore....so I managed to get out of bed and over into the chair with a small amount of assistance....having sat there for a while I did try for the loo....the journey there was okay but I ended up rather woozy and had a bit of a lie down.

Anyway - had me bath which was Lovely! Then had a look in the mirror which was inexplicably wonderful. It was like seeing my body for the first time.....wow.....

Anyway - tomorrow is catheter out day which should be fantastic.



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07/11/01, 07:24

Well, I've managed to plan my evenings viewing so that I should have something to watch while dilating...which is important, because it is incredibly dull...just sat there holding a lump of perspex inside you...

Interestingly the dilators are made to "Charring Cross pattern". Ironic that since the NHS told me where I could stick any chance of treatment ;-/

Anyway, so, there's bugger all on tv until 5o'clock, which is annoying but I guess I've still got my magazines........well a few of them. Oooh, I think breakfast night be here soon.

For some reason I'm incredibly tired this morning....I don't think I slept very well. It's possible, I suppose, that I should have some painkillers before going to bed - but I don't like taking them because my pain level is low; it's just rather nagging. At the moment it feels like I have muscle fatigue from a constantly tense muscle.

Incidentally a thought about having the pack removed. For me it felt like someone pulling a plaster off my insides....

Mmm, so, yes...

Definately not something I've got any desire to repeat! What else? Oh aye, hopefully the catheter comes out today which is something to look forward to - sort of....



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07/11/01, 11:45

I cried today for myself. I cried for all the pain, I cried for all the wasted time and the lies. I cried because I never asked to be TS.

I cried because it was and is unfair that I had to put my body through this just so I can live in it. But at least I think it's nearly done and I can get on with my life.

Which is why I was also crying with a sort of happiness. I hope I have the ability to move on.



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07/11/01, 13:07

Oh my god! I just saw a kids tv program - a la postman pat...with a whole sequence about a mobile phone...it's not right!



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07/11/01, 22:40

[Suzanne Vega - Solitude Standing]

I feel oddly quiet this evening - although the friends I've been rambling at (Cheers Jenny & Lauren :-) tonight might disagree - contemplative. I suppose that after so long knowing what I wanted - to finally have it is bound to leave me feeling quite odd.

I feel like I finally have my own body (there seems to be a storm going on outside btw). Never before has this body felt like mine. It's always felt alien, not right at some fundamental level and that feeling has just disappeared. It's gone completely! (Although I'll grant that there are bits of me I can't actually feel atm - hopefully I'll get some sensation there eventually).

I'm also rather nervously awaiting the removal of the catheter - hoping that that all goes to plan.....I'm still terrified that something is going to go horribly wrong - and hoping that it won't.



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08/11/01, 09:18

Well, the catheter is out. I'm just waiting for a while before hopping out of bed - feeling a bit sore y'see.....Listening to elastica to kill time!



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08/11/01, 13:25

Oh god. For once I thought something was going right. But no. I'm unable to urinate. It's fucking agonising when I try. Anyone want to watch it turn to shit?

[crying]



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08/11/01, 15:07

Why? Why does the world always do this to me? Raise my hopes then dash them? I thought that this one thing would go smoothly. This one thing I wanted would go right. But no. It seems I can't even have this.

The nurse said "You're not too swollen" but it appears she was wrong. I'm too swollen to pass any urine and after an agonising couple of hours they decided there was nothing for it but to put the catheter back in. So. Here I lie with a bunch of pain killers in me and a fresh catheter which I'll have to go home with - meaning another week of lousy sleep and pain and discomfort and more hating of being me.

They said "It's horrible, but it's about a 50/50 split of those who need one to those who don't". But I only know one other TS who's needed one.

I'd been looking forward to this so much - to being free - if sore - and having a good start to this chunk of my life. As usual it's been taken away from me.



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08/11/01, 15:53

[crying]

God it's depressing. After a morning without the catheter to have it back. It feels like a huge step back. It hurts. I hurt. The catheter hurts. I hate being me. I hate everything always being fucked up at the last minute. What did I do to deserve being me.

Will it ever stop - will things ever go right? Or will I always have this happen?
[crying]



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08/11/01, 16:12

I don't know what the painkillers were, but they've not touched the pain.



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08/11/01, 16:58.

Oh goddess, it's sore, it's sore, it's sore, it's sore, it's sore, it's sore, it's sore, it's sore, it's sore, it's sore.

I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.

The painkillers have done nothing. I have a burning sensation in my ureter. I hurt, I hurt. Oh goddess I hurt.



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08/11/01, 23:03.

Well - a big thanks and an improbably large number of hugs to kira, Rachel and Lauren for helping me today. I felt so alone and lonely earlier but they've managed to make me feel only utterly miserable instead of totally depressed.

Today I've had codidramol and voltarol, neither of which seemed to do anything. I've just been given tramodol (I think) which I'm hoping will at least allow me to get one nights rest....



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09/11/01, 02:18

For how awful I feel and how tired I am (bear in mind that I've not had a good nights sleep since last wednesday) you'd think this allegedly strong painkiller and anti-inflammatory would have got me more than 3 hours sleep.

That said it's not stopped the pain, it just stopped me. I really understand what k means by "It makes me go away, not the pain".

I'm very tired, so maybe my body will shut down and let me sleep sone more.



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09/11/01, 08:43

Some computer magazines seem yo have an odd definition of "stable" well, actually the phrase used by PCPlus is 'rock solid'. This to describe an OS which in the same paragraph they mention "two blue screens of death" (in one day); and then in the next paragraph: "also experienced 2 or 3 standard crashes each day".

Which bit of "stable" do they not understand?! I'm pissed off when Opera crashes - which it does maybe twice a week - which is one of the main reasons I won't pay for it. That and it's sucky zoom function (broken it is!). And yet people will go out and give MS another 100 quid despite the fact that they've never (imho) produced a stable OS.

Gach.

Sorry, bit of an early morning rant there. Anyway, so I was writing a note to myself earlier (on the iPAQ) and suddenly discovered that my handwriting has morphed into iPAQ writing - my i's and my t's are automatically done a la iPAQ - which I can see leading to fun writing cheques.

#Nothing stays the same,
#Always change to remain,

So, yes, apparently I use the word Lauren a lot - 'cos whenever I put 'la' it (bongly here) suggests Lauren :-)

I wonder why that should be.....

Goddess I'm tired. I did in the end fall asleep again - although it took quite a while. I reckon I got about 6 hours sleep in total - however it wasn't exactly quality sleep. But definately better than I've had for a while. I really didn't like the tamadol/tadramol/whatever it was called. But I guess it got me sleep - and that's one thing I really needed - I was getting very overaught (sp.) and emotional. Goddess, I really am tired - unfortunately I've just had an enormous amount of coffee so I'm unlikely to get any sleep for a while.

#What I want,
#A lover who loves me when others have loved me not.

Well, my Gruniad's just arrived which gives me a something to do before the first bath of the day (just killing time waiting for the food to yo down).

I didn't mention last night did I? A night filled with terrors that was. You know when you just get nightmare after nightmare? I had one of those nights. By the morning I was just one big pool of sweat. It was horrible.

#What you do and what you don't

You can tell when I'm tired 'cos (well, you can't - but I can) the handwriting recognition has more and more trouble with my scrawl - which is frustrating! As is this CD player which sometimes seems to be remarkably skip proof and at other times becomes impossible to stop skipping!

Incidentally, if anyone's got the elastica singles (or the videos) I'd quite like a copy 'cos the only copy of all but two of the singles I've got is a CD -<>> tape (well played!) -<>> CD one, which is suprisingly good - but it appears that most of elasticas singles have been deleted (despite 101cd still listing them) and are now all but unobtainable. I've somewhat lost faith in 101cd actually - they seem to never remove the unobtainables from their list of cds.

Hrm, perhaps another go at sleeping wouldn't go amiss.....



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10/11/01, 11:17

Well, I came home yesterday, my mum drove me back from Brighton - I only occasionally shrieked "Gently!". That said the 205 is an incredibly uncomfortable car when you've jusy had an op.

Anyway, I was fairly thoroughly knackered by the time I got back. I just about managed my 2 dilations, baths and a very quick run online to see what personal e-mail I'd got before collapsing into my bed.

At the moment the smallest things knacker me completely. This morning I've bathed, dilated, come downstairs, made a coffee and now I'm struggling to stay awake. Mind you I did have to go to the loo three times last night which may explain tne tiredness a bit.....



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10/11/01, 23:04

Well, one affliction seems quite definately present - not that I expected SRS to fix it - I just keep hoping it'll go away of it's own accord - and that is hot feet. Bizarrely, sometimes my feet get incredibly hot for no readily apparent reason - the only thing I've found that helps is to stick my feet against a cold surface (in this case a wall which is dissapointingly warm) until they cool down.....

Anyway, today has been a day of improvement; I've been so much more mobile, although the morning was a bit iffy. k and R came to visit which was thoroughly enjoyable - I hope they both had a good time....I'd actually like to take this opportunity to thank all my friends who've rung, visited or e-mailed me....it's really helped me in ways that go beyond what I can really express.

Apart from that I've been worrying about my bones which currently seem to me to be falling apart rapidly - which (for obvious reasons) I find rather scary. At the moment it feels like every joint in my body wants to either click or simply not work at all! At various points today and over the past few weeks joints have clicked or refused to work at all....and my lower back made some very unpleasant noises earlier today (kind of click-click-click-crunch...).

I'm hoping it'll stop again when I get back on hormones (which reminds me - must arrange to see an endo, if I can...). It stopped last time I started 'mones, so.....

And onward to other thoughts. My body - feels like mine, this is something I can't really get over - at least not at the moment - after 23 years. Yes, some bits of it are numb atm, yes I've got a catheter in atm, but it's finally mine

One thing which has amazed me is the speed with which my body appears to be trying to recover. I hope it'll go smoothly - despite the setback with the catheter - it jnst astounds me that I'm pottering around the house so soon.....



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11/11/01, 19:49

Well, my energy appears to be returning from wherever it's been hiding - albeit a little at a time. I've actually been at least a bit active today and I don't feel absolutely shattered! That said my current definiton of active is somewhat less energy consuming than it was pre-op, and I did spend a good proportion of the morning asleep.....

But - I did go and help my dad move the mog about a bit - in preparation for it being taken away for restoration....which entertained me for a good hour or so.

And I went for a wander around the garden....the problem with winter is that if you're in the wrong mood you get this terrible death and despair feeling - which with the stuff about my dad - well, it's not good for my state of mind. But anyway.....

So, this evening I finally went through and did my e-mails - and found that - I guess unsuprisingly - the RSI is still there. I could just feel it when I stopped..... *sigh*. I'm not entirely sure what to do with my life - I'd always kinda presumed, well, for a long time I'd presumed that it'd be computer related - but not being able to type....well, that's kinda screwed that up. I'm not really sure what else I can do, and that scares me slightly. I get the feeling that the shop idea is off. I don't really know if I should bring up the subject atm....ah well, I guess I'm back to the old "Go with the flow" advice :-)

Oh, and.....I've got more elastica winging it's way to me.....the sessions album....*grin*



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11/11/01, 22:06

Between them, Betadine and Kotex must be having a field day! Betadine gel, Betadine pessaries, Betadine douche.....and more Kotex than you can imagine. Incidentally, the Betadine pessary's applicator is frigging hopeless....

And I've got another 7 weeks of this! Well, 5 weeks of this plus a couple of weeks of this plus work (but by then I should actually be moderately healthy again (although it implies that healing takes about 4 months).....

When I can actually decide when I want to go to the loo, that'll be a good day......

Hrm, it's lonely in this bed.....missing human touch..... :-(



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12/11/01, 09:12

I'm so scared of losing my dad. I know I need to be positive, but it's so hard knowing what I do. I love my dad so very much and losing him just after I finally let both my parents back in....

I keep telling myself he's not going to die - but the cancer is so bad. I always thought I had years left. I couldn't imagine a world without them, and now I'm having to. It feels very selfish to say about me when it's him that's ill.

But I know I'm not just thinking about me.



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12/11/01, 19:24

Well, today seemed to be going quite well until a little while ago when it became apparent that the infection which caused me to have to come home with a catheter has decided to have another go at me.

I've actually been quite up and about today - but this has actually forced me to take some painkillers (coproximol) - which are making me very woozy - and my GP has prescribed some Trimethoprim - to try and kill the infection....we just caught him at the surgery.....

So I'm drinking gallons of water and trying to relax because ot the moment my entire body is tense......



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13/11/01, 11:49

Well, I'm feeling sore, and a bit achey - and I've just thought that I could really do with something to drink. Mostly I'm mildly worried about the mice....there are mice in the house which perturbs me. My mum is terrified of them, I'm just worried about their infectious qualities.....

Hrm.....



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13/11/01, 14:26

I'm so tired at tne moment - everything just wears me out so quickly.....



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13/11/01, 16:10

Sheesh, I'm so tired! I know that this is at least partially my own fault because I allowed myself a sleep on the sofa - but still!

I was once told that bookcases were a good way to judge someone's character. So what does this tell you....?

A Practical Introduction to Surface Mount Components.....sat next to The Children's Book of Books 1999.....Fatherland sat next to Elephants Don't Sit on Cars.....Elementary Mathematical Analysis on the same shelves cs Asimov, Ben Elton and Stephen Fry.....

If I found these books in someone elses shelves I'd be intrigued - they seem to me to be an odd collection of books. What does it say about their owner? Someone with a multifaceted personality? or someone who's simply out of their tree? I don't know. I do know that you couldn't tell which of the technical books I've read - not just from that selection but from all my many books because all the information has long gone from my head.

It is one thing that I hugely regret - that I never made more of my mind. And now, now it seems incredibly hard to learn. Or at least to learn and have the information stay there. I don't know if it's just that I'm out of practice - or if I really can't learn anymore - at least not the way I could once.

I wonder if this coffee is going to cure my tiredness.

I tried to fool myself into believing that I'd use my time off to do something of value - rewrite this website (to use jsp for these diary pages), do something else worthwhile.....is it going to happen? No.

Why? Simply because my obssesive phase of computing is over again - and my mind is switching to something else - photography I think. If you look at my life, all of it, you'll see a disturbing pattern (well, I find it rather disturbing...) of "hobbies" which grow and grow and grow to consume all my time and then, usually fairly dramatically fade into nothingness - I end up barely touching whatever it was that mere days before was occupying vast swathes of my time.

I usually return to whatever it was sometime later, and usually without realising that I've done it. Computing, photography, cars (and probably now bikes), books, and (although not for a long time) electronics. All of these have been "hobbies".

I don't know why this is - I don't know if, apart from my habit of the most expensive period of interest being just before I suddenly and completely lose interest, there's anything bad about this - apart from the fact it drives me nuts. Why? Because to some extent I don't actually lose interest in whatever the subject is - I just find that I can't find any enthusiasm for it (it's hard to explain...) - and so, if I start to do something related to it then I quickly run out of energy and stop.....

I suppose it's just another aspect of me I don't quite understand. Like the whole CD's in alphabetical order, with the CD the right way around in the case. It's obviously not normal to spend upwards of 5 minutes trying to decide which way round a cd with complex artwork on it should go. I have the same problem with DVDs although in general they have the title printed on them a specific way up.....and oddly it only matters for my ownDVDs.

But what does this all mean? Do I have obsesive compulsive tendencies? Almost certainly.....is it a problem for me? no - I don't think so - but it does worry me.

As does my continued inability to express my emotions as I'd like to. I don't know how to - and sometimes I don't know how to even know what feel. Sometimes it's hard for me to unlock my emotions - they hide deep down within me, refusing to let me see or understand how or why I'm feeling the way I am.

*sigh* - I guess the thing to remember is that I wasn't expecting the op to cure any ills, except my body related ones (and it has definately done an enormous amount in that respect) - so I'm almost of much of a screw up as I was 13 days ago!

On the body issue......it's made an astounding difference. Before the op, no-one (and I do mean no-one) saw me naked (except once, and that was by accident as I scuttled from my room to the bathroom). I just couldn't bear to let anyone see the horrible, deformed mess that was my body (yes, I know that it wasn't actually deformed - but it felt that way). I was so ashamed of it. Now - that has gone. I actually quite like my body now - I have some real enthusiasm for getting fit, for reducing the size of my stomach, for eating healthily, etc. Letting people see me naked - not an issue anymore. For the first time in years my mum's seen me nude, the nurses and care assistants in hospital - I had no problem with. I can remember what I was like the first time I went in to see Mike Royle - so shy, I just didn't want him to see me....now I'm just so relaxed. It's wonderful - after so long....

Anyway - I need another bath.....



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13/11/01, 20:45

Gack, my knees just went crack....again.....



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13/11/01, 22:30

On the back of (my 1979 edition of) "The World According to Garp" it includes 'Women's Wear Daily' in the list of people & magazines that reviewed the book favourably. Is this a joke? Is it a oddly named serious literary magazine? Have I missed something important about American culture?

I finally managed to place what was familiar about the smell of Witch Hazel. It's what the school "nurse" would put on cuts and grazes in my primary/junior school....'s funny how these smells invoke memories....

Anyway - a bit of good news about my dad....it seems that the chemotherapy guy is more hopeful of the chemo helping - he reckoned on a 50/50 chance of it helping. Which is the best odds we've got. It seems my dad's case is of interest because despite extremely severe cancer he's still fairly symptomless.....although oddly my mum has all the symptoms of cancer, and indeed has had them since roughly when the cancer is thought to have appeared.

Anyway - that's some good news. I'm now going to go to sleep!

P.S. - Amy - please tell me about the whole pizza thing.....and the bed thing! *grin*.



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14/11/01, 04:15

The problem is I get tense, or more, a muscle I don't yet have control over gets tense, which makes me tense, which at some subconcious level makes the muscle more tense, which mhkes it ache more, which makes me more tense.......

All this means that I've just taken some coproximol - which will hopefully kill the pain, thus stopping the loop. I hope.



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14/11/01, 20:17

Well, the catheter comes out tomorrow, and, I'm sore - the catheter has been driving me nuts all day. Really, really incredibly annoying. It's driving me up the wall!

If it had come out this morning that'd've been fine, but no. It comes ont tomorrow - and it must be said - I'm tense as hell about it.....

The other thing that's bugging me is this bizarre sensation - before the op, on the rare occasions that I got an erection (not that I ever managed to get one which would have been of use to anyone....), there was a certain amount of discomfort - like muscle fatigue like pain. And I keep getting that at the moment. I've not had it for most of the day but for much of last night the pain was there - and coproximol didn't touch it at all.

I don't know what was causing it - or if it's normal - but it was sodding painful last night.



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15/11/01, 10:31

Well, the catheter has come out again - I was actually "bypassing" yesterday (urine was coming out around the catheter when I went to the loo) which bodes well.

At the moment I'm still smarting rather from the removal of the catheter....but I hope that I'll be able to go in a bit.....



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15/11/01, 11:16

I suddenly have the fear.....I feel like I've been overwhelmed by things which - until now I've been holding back.



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11:50

Well, there was a break for doing a visualisation during which I struggled to control my brain, which seemed to be running out of control - topic hopping so quickly that I had no chance to get to grips with anything before I found I was leaping from one topic to another.

It was terrifying to feel so utterly out of control of my own mind. I just couldn't stop it. It wasn't even like it was all bad things - but I just felt confused - almost dazed with the millions of thoughts running through my head.

It has stopped now, as quickly as it started......

On the rather less stressful side - I managed to urinate - which was somewhat of a load off my mind.....or perhaps off my bladder.....

I also restarted hormones today - which I'm hoping, like last time, will reduce the unpleasant clicks that have been eminating from my joints. It might also help with my mental state!

Oh, yes, and I just realised that there's more than 50 of these sodding diary entries to put up.....I'm beginning to feel that maybe Rachel was right - and that I do need to do something about making it easier to put up entries....



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29th November 2001, 17:07

Sheesh, I'm knackered.

At the moment I just get tired really, really easily. I've spent the afternoon, well, hrm, about 2 hours of the afternoon trying to tidy up the study/computer room here. Just sort of scooping up rubbish and throwing it away - and moving all the CD's into a pile... You can kinda see part of the desk this computer lives under now which is good. But that 2 hours has really taken it out of me. I just feel very, very tired. Which makes me worry about going back to work, hrm, in...[pause to check, yup, it is that close] 1 weeks time.

I mean, I've been sat at this computer all day, and yes, that hasn't worn me out - but I've got an hours drive there and an hours drive back.....that makes me a bit nervous - especially in a car as heavy as the Cavalier.

*sigh* I wish the golf was still on the road, that's nice and light to drive, although parking is a bastard.... That's the other thing that worries me - things like parking and low speed manouvering, I'm not sure I've got the strength for it yet.

Well, I guess I'll find out.

Bah, no new e-mail for me. For whatever reason, since coming back I've not had any particular desire to look at cartoons, there are a few which I normally looked at. 3, I think. Alice, User Friendly and Dilbert. But I just can't be arsed at the moment. Perhaps it's because I've got more important things on my mind....

Things that have been stopping me sleeping recently. Well, that's not true, not stopping me sleeping completely; I sleep for an hour at a time, then wake up, then there's I dunno, 10, 20 minutes of hanging around, lying there - and then I drift back to sleep.

Which may be another reason why I'm quite so tired.

So, anyway, in other news, I've been trying to get my webcam working again....well, working for the first time in linux. My webcam is sadly one of these - meaning that I have to attempt to persuade this driver to compile. Fat chance.

So, it continues to sit, perched atop my monitor without a chance in hell of working. Why Logitech won't release the information about this camera christ knows, it's not like they have to support the driver. But Nooo. Bastards.

If they didn't make such decent mice/keyboards I'd boycot them. Still last webcam I buy from them. Sigh. The latest drivers even refused to work in Windows, which was amusing. I guess it may have packed up, that'd be about right for my hardware. Anyway, if anyone knows how to make this sodding driver compile I'd be grateful for the info.

I've been slowly coming to the conclusion that my printer (a venerable HP890c 'Professional Series' printer) is never, ever going to work again. Since HP said as much, essentially. So I'm thinking its time has come, time to throw it away. *sigh* It's only 4 years old, and its page count can't be that high. Christ, I think I only got through 3 colour cartridges in all that time.

Although I guess there's been quite a lot of black and white printing. I dunno.

Anyway. I guess it might as well go in the bin.

Hrm, probably time for the second bath of the day. Trying to get the willpower for it, although right now I'd just like to go to sleep. That'd be the nicest thing to do. *sigh* I appear to have caught a cold - which means I can't go and see my dad. At all. Until it's completely gone. And with my immune system's reputation? *sigh*







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