The Antijen Pages

From: Michele
Subject: Michele's story
To: jenstar@antijen.org

Here is my story, forgive me if it is a little lengthy....

Im 24 years old now, as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a girl.

When I was younger I did not understand it, and remember feeling ashamed. From a young age I was attracted sexually to boys and girls. As I got older and sorted out my feelings more, i realized that I was more attracted to girls because I wanted to "Be them", but my sexual turn on came from boys. I had relationships with girls, but they would always fail- not until i was older could I come to terms with the reasons for failure and realize it was not the girls fault. I figured this out when I had a much easier time satisfying a guy, than I did a girl sexually.

When I was younger and the family would get together, the men would go off and talk about men stuff, and the women would sit around and talk about girl stuff. Looking back though, I always found myself sitting with the women.

One day when I was 9 i discovered masturbation, I often masturbated as much as possible but doing so while thinking about my male friends. One day, almost out of instinct I went to my moms dresser and stole a pair of pantyhose, I can still remember the feeling of putting them on, that silky feel and the erotic feeling of doing something so forbidden. I kept those pantyhose, and I started to aquire more either through shoplifting or sneaking into friends and relatives bedrooms when we would visit.

As I got into my teens I stopped completely, mostly from shame and found a girlfriend, I was trying to convince myself that what I was doing was perverted and shameful. I did completely stop all through most of high school until my girlfriend left me for someone else.

On the rebound, I met a guy and fooled around with him - he was a closet homosexual. I didn't tell him about my transgender tendencies, and we continued to date incognito for a few months, I was basically a booty call to him and it killed my self esteem. I ended up my losing my "Gay virginity" to him, and went all the way and had anal sex with him with me as the receiver. I remember it felt really good physically, but it lacked emotion. I also learned something important about myself there, I had such female tendencies. A guy sees sex as a physical thing, where as a woman views it as an emotional act. More pieces of the puzzle were coming together, could this explain why I was so sensitive? Is this why I would cry over the littlest things, cry at movies, cuddle animals, and have puple as a favorite color?

The next year my life was met with tragedy, my mother passed away and my father remarried. This tragedy also turned into a blessing, I could never come out of the closet before but now with my mom gone my dad had moved on and remarried and left the state leaving me on my own to support myself. For once in my life I could be free!

I never had a problem buying clothes in person, I never felt embarrased- probably from years of buying my ex girlfriend gifts without the sales peope giving a second thought (The internet is so much easier). I started dropping lots of weight, and I would do aerobics obsessively to sculpt my body into a female shape (Luckily i had small shoulders, naturally small waist, and small feet.) I was careful during exercising to focus on being toned, and not muscular in any way, i sculpted my body so precisely that when dressed as a male I would have to wear baggy clothes to hide my feminine figure.  

I rented an apartment above a store, this helped me to be anonymous because I wouldnt have to worry about the neighbors seeing me leave the house.  I started working at the coatcheck at a gay bar, this was perfect because i could let my feminine self come out, I worked nights and slept all day- the gay community was my lifestyle. I started sculpting my eyebrows, and waxed off all my body hair. I would go home and parade around like a teenager in my bedroom trying on clothes in front of the mirror, learning through trial an error which make up to use and how to apply it.

After some time I started going to work dressed as a girl, i felt like a whole new person!! Going to public places and seeing straight men check me out is the most enlightening euphoric feeling a TG person can have, not just for sexual reasons but as a sign of acceptance. I started living full time as a girl, and never had a hard time passing- I finally felt like I could be me. I must say life has blessed me though, I know how rough other people have  it.

Two years ago after dating guys casually, my boss introduced me to his accountant for the bar. My boss said he was always asking about me, after we talked I found out he was gay and his mother of all things was a counselor for transgendered people!! How perfect could that be?? I really liked Mark though, he was sensitive and sweet to me. Unlike a lot of other guys I met, he wasnt obsessed with one night stands or just getting off, he actually wanted to know about me. We went on a few dates, movies, quiet straight bars, etc. I realized that I was actually falling in love with him. He asked me to come to his house, dressed as a girl and meet his parents.

I was thrilled and not nervous at all, his mom had made their house kind of like a second home for "TG" teens, so I was so happy I would be accepted. I met his family and immediately I had this amazing family, i was treated like a lady by both his parents, his brothers and sisters, I was no longer looked at as a freak, I found that even his whole extended family supported my lifestyle and Mark's decision to be gay in a relationship with a transgendered person.

That night we left his house and went back to his, we made love for the first time!! WOW!!!  This wasnt just sex at all, this was actually being made love to for the first time in my life by a real man. It was slow, tender and beautiful- I finally found that emotional connection I was seeking!! I knew he was the boy for me, and he felt the same way.

I call him my husband now even though we cant be legally married. We just bought a house together and my life could not be more perfect. He works and I stay home as a housewife, Im going to school though to become a counselor so i can help other teens who have gone through the same thing I have, I feel it is only fair since I am so blessed with my perfect life that I give back to this wonderful world. So, there is hope out there- just keep thinking positive, and dont ever be afraid to be the person you are on the "Inside", if its one thing I learned from this life is that our bodies and image do not portray who we really are. Thank you for taking the time out to read my experience, and feel free to use my name.....