Patricia - The Antijen Pages

Go to content

Main menu:

Patricia

Personal Experiences > Letters To Parents

Patricia's Letter to Her Mom


Hi there Mom.

I have told you that I have been going to a therapist for a little while, and I have been a little vague with you as to the reasons why. I am sure that some of the recent e-mails I sent to you have seemed strange as well.  But I need to tell you what is going on. I rarely write, but an actual letter is probably the best medium for this.

Really, this is a very hard thing to write to you about. And hopefully it will be the hardest thing that I have to tell you. It's hard for me because I am scared to hear what you will think. I suspect you will take it well. You once told me that you would love me no matter what I said.  Now I am hoping this still holds true, but I am ever the paranoid person knowing doom and gloom will be upon me.

I have done so well in so many ways, recently. I now have a better job than anyone else I know, both financially and environmentally. I have a lot of friends. I hardly ever feel alone anymore. In fact I have to sometimes make them leave me alone. It is the first time in my life I have actually had to choose amongst which people i want to hang around with. Go out with Liz's group instead of Rachel's group. In a lot of ways, things are great. But there was and is still something fundamentally wrong with my life. I could not help but hate myself, I could not help but dislike my very actions. Why?.. I now know, and am
working on fixing that.

I have always felt different or out of place among my peers. My most common complaint as a small child was that I was always picked on, but none of my teachers would hardly substantiate that claim at all. I have a lot of memories all through childhood which have always confused me even more in middle school and high school. I never fit in, I did not understand why back then. I wanted to play one way, and the rest of the boys wanted to play another. I just found ways to deal with it on my own.  I was mostly a loner. That helped a bit but it's not a way to live.

In high school I dealt with it by immersing myself in God, but still in that, it did not fix much, it did helped. I could never be truly happy with me. So i moved on into immersing myself into my job. Even in Memphis where I was the senior systems administrator that everyone loved.  I took some pride in the fact that I could tell this to others. But more and more I see that I did not do most of the things that I have done in life for me. It was always "so and so will like me if...", and "They will accept me if I do this". For me, this may sound weird, but a lot of the things I have done or liked were because of this. Titles have never meant anything to me personally, why do i care if I'm senior, junior or janitor.

Looking back, I feel like most of the things I did in my spare time for "enjoyment" were for the reactions I got out of others. When I finally started making friends on my own. They liked me because I did the things they did. It seemed that I had finally found a way to fit in, at the sacrifice of myself. What everyone else thought I should do. The time has come for me to stop the game, and live for me. I knew all along how I wanted to act, and just had to figure out that it was actually a valid
thing.

There is a wish I have always held even when I was little. I remember very far back, praying to god to make me wake up the next day as a girl.  I kept that a secret, because it was very shameful to me. My body was a boy's body, and therefore doing girl things was wrong. I don't know how I knew it was wrong, but I just did. I did a lot of things, throughout childhood in secret that you may or may not have known about. I still wanted to do many things that girls did. This frequently confused me, but I made do in the best way that I could. I could go into details of specific situations, but those would just bore you, as I could write page after page.

In Memphis of all places I came to some major realizations about the world. There are other people out there just like me, who have the same problems as I do. And I don't have a dark evil secret that I should be ashamed of. Society often tells us that since our bodies are one way, and that the person that we are must be that same way. Well, it took a while for me to discover this, but this is not true.

The sounds very odd, doesn't it. I guess I should quit beating around the bush and stuff. Really what I am telling you that I am a transsexual.  This may sound like a big scary word to you. What does that mean, probably the only things you know about TS people are what you have seen on shows like Jerry Springer or in the National Enquirer, sensationalzation, probably fake, usually strange people. But the reality is not all that. I'm still the same old me, or at least I'm trying to be the me that I really am. I have talked to quite a few TS people, and i even have made some friends. In a lot of ways all our lives are similar, there are common themes. It feels good to know what is wrong, and that it's not all that uncommon or uncurable.

Society says while my body says I'm male, my brain, or rather "that which is me" says I'm female. Science cannot fix the brain, and I would sooner die than change the person that I am, we do the next best thing and change the body to match the brain. I've mulled this over for a little over two years now. Done a lot of research on the subject. Basically what I'm saying means I'll go through what we call "transition". Eventually, (although not today, maybe by the end of the year) I'll be living as a woman. All the time, changing my name legally, doing the tranition at work and everything. It's a lot of work, and a lot of stuff to do to make this happen. But It's what I have to do to live and be happy with me.

On names, I have already picked one for myself. When I was in 7th grade I picked "Patricia Christine". I chose this mainly due to a girl in my algebra class that I wanted to be like, liked the name a lot. As for the middle name, I seem to recall from a discussion with you that Joshua or Christine were alternate names for me when I was a child. That's why I picked the middle name I did. I am not sure that Josephine would have been a better name for this. But if you want to make any changes to that,
I'd be more than willing to let you know.

I think it is fair to tell you that some other people already know.  Almost all my friends do. Dani has known for a long time. In fact she figured it out on her own, Gloria even knew about some of my gender issues when we were dating, she did not know that my intention was to actually do this though. In fact this was one of the main reasons that we lasted so long together, we had a "reversed relationship" in a whole lot of ways and I liked that. When Gloria found out of my intentions, she thought it was her fault.

That is one thing I want you to know. It's no-one's fault. not yours, not Dani's, Gloria's, and its not some idea a therapist or someone on the internet put in my head. No-one, no therapist, no other person can tell you who you are except you. And no person can change your identity. So, this is just what I need to do in order to live and be happy. One cannot pretend to be someone that they are not for their entire life.

I don't blame God either, I have thought of it much. That prayer about waking up a girl the next morning was my most common prayer in school, all the way through high school. Some would say that god answers all prayers, sometimes the answer is "not right now", and thinking about it, if I had started this in high school I might have been much worse off. Women are not as popular to have as systems admins and computer techs, and that's how i have been so successful. So in an odd sort of way, you could think that God has put me in a position to be successful at it.

Where i am now, I am protected under the law, and have a very good job.  And in 6 more months it probably wont matter much at all if I was fired.  I think I should have enough money to afford all the expenses when the time comes.

What will people think of me? I don't know what everyone will think.  Almost all of my friends know, all of the people I hang around the most do. And they don't care, and in fact treat me much differently because of it. A couple of people have taken it kind of badly, but these people are few and far between.

Some people have asked why I could not just hide it, dress up now or then.  But that is what I have done for years. I'm not a transvestite, or someone with a perverted sexual fetish. I am a girl, and that means, right now. Even with no surgery or hormones at all. It's who I am. For Missy, I'll send a similar letter, probably via e-mail, after I hear back from you.

Then there is Johnny, I am not really sure what to tell him. If you should, or if you want me to. I know he is sick right now, and I don't want to make things worse for him. I can tell you that He was one reason I stayed in my shell, although I don't blame him for anything either.  Due to some of his comments he has made i suspect he would be less than accepting. I think this is one of the main reasons we never really did connect very well. He is a very male person, and I never was. You encouraged me to do things with him, and I tried to fit in and do things sometimes, mostly I didn't. It did feel good when I did things with him that made me fit in. But still, that was more the approval of others that felt good, and less of what we were doing.

I am sure this sort of thing is hard for you to hear, and I hope you are taking it pretty well. I don't ask for you to be enthusiastic or anything about this, just accepting. And would like to hear what you have to say.  I am sure you have many questions. I have a ton of information, and am willing to talk to you whenever you want. You have my e-mail address and
new phone number. I still am planning on coming up there in may, if that is okay with everyone.

I love you much, and hope to hear from you soon.


 
 
Back to content | Back to main menu