Tiffany's Story (TS with MPD)
To whom it may concern,
I have had gender identification issues since I was three years old.
When I was only five years old I declared to thin air that I wanted to be a princess. As I went on through life I found myself only liking more girl oriented things, but then somebody decided to put a stop to that.
I’ve also been born with MPS (Multiple Personality Syndrome) and with eight different personalities other than my own.
One of my personalities was a 44 year old man named Evann Mutil, and he did not like the things he was seeing. He made sure he was going to turn me into a boy as much as he possible could, or at least thought he could. He found that I was not able to follow his orders all the time, and sometimes directly broke them because I didn’t know how to be anything else. His way of solving this was to force upon me harmful memories of times when kids hurt me because I was girly and threatened that they would only repeat themselves if I didn’t quit acting like a girl. He even sometimes took over my body just to make it seem I was male.
I went on through life falling for several boys in my school and even blushing at them sometimes, but he made sure I didn’t say anything to my parents and so they never knew who I was or why I was so depressed all the time. They didn’t even know that when nobody was around I would put on skirts and dresses in secret. I even wrapped sheets around myself in such a way
to make it look like a skirt or dress and I would walk around at night, always wanting them to find out.
I even sometimes went to bed in my homemade sheet dresses hoping my parents would pull off the covers and see it, but they didn’t. They never found out until I told them when I was 19 years old.
Even though all of my life I haven’t been my true self, I know that I must have done something to appear as a girl, because there was this girl in school that was convinced I was a girl posing as a boy.
She said it was because of how I acted, and how I looked. I never really thought I had that feminine of a look until she told me so. I don’t have breasts (but sometimes I feel like I do, and sometimes I even see them there, even though they aren’t) but my chest does stick out in such a way it could be mistaken for something. I know because boys all at my school always asked what in the world it was. I just told them that my chest stuck out I didn’t really know why, then they told me to get a chest job.
I also am very slender and skinny with soft skin, not really soft skin but softer than most boys my age. It may just be my mind playing tricks on me, but I also have a kinda similar appearance to a girl. (And I mean the hips waist, and shoulders thing) People call me a cross dresser when I put on a skirt and blouse, or a dress, but I don’t feel like a cross dresser unless I’m wearing boy’s clothes. I hate being physically male, when I’m so obviously not. When I try to remember my past, all I see is this little girl there, my age instead of what the pictures in my mom’s book show me.
When I try to imagine how I look I only see a girl, I never see a boy. When I dream I am always a girl, and I dream of things like being a bride, having babies, and trying on cute clothes.
It seems that the only place I can act like myself is on the internet where when I tell people about my problems they don’t believe me at first. They say that the way I act there is no way I’m physically a boy. They say I don’t act like a boy at all. The worst part about all this is the fact that I was raised in a devout Christian home and I’ve never been sexually
assaulted as a little girl, so I have no real reason for feeling this way. It’s not just a feeling though, I know it in my soul I’m a girl, but will my parents ever believe that, NO!
They HATE my GID, with a passion and whenever I try to do anything remotely girly they tell me to stop, or call my uncle Lonnie or even destroying my only girl clothes I have. I started to become suicidal and so I’ve now been seeing a Christian counselor for almost a year now. I’ve told him about all my problems, and strangely enough he is more accepting than my parents are. He told me the only words I ever wanted to hear from my parents, that he will support me in any choice I make.
My parents have told me they would rather die than to say that. Daddy’s already told me that if I ever became a girl he would never want to see me again. So now I’m really depressed, and I go to bed crying every night and praying to God for my death.
My counselor is trying to help me, but it just hurts so much to be abandoned by my own parents. They even say such hurtful things as that I’m just forcing myself to be this way, and if I ever stopped then they would be happy. I tried to put away all my girl things for three months and act like a guy, but I just couldn’t perfectly but I still tried. When I showed them that it didn’t help it only made it worse, they just said I wasn’t trying hard enough.
Last month I decided I was going to where girls clothes from now on, so I put on a skirt, and stockings and a barrette and waited for them to come home so I could explain myself. I tried to imagine all the possible outcomes, but what really happened I was not prepared for. My brothers brought some friends with them and so I hid in my room under my covers, but one of them tried to rip off my covers, and I told them not too, then he found out I was wearing a skirt, and he became furious.
He told me that if I left my room he would beat the heck out of me. Then my little brother came in and he took off my barrette and broke it into a million pieces. I cried because it was my favorite, I told him not to and he did it anyway. Then my parents came home and that jerk Brandon told my parents before I could explain it to them. My dad freaked out and rampaged into my room, and my mom started saying she was going to kill herself and she called my uncle Lonnie. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I hid. I have this ability to hide within my own mind so my personalities can take my place. Well my parents took all of my clothes and destroyed them, so now I’m stuck with stupid boy clothes and I’m not willing to steal from my mom even though her clothes fit me pretty well too.
Lately though, about my MPS, things have been going much better with them, now even Evann accepts me as a girl, and totally regrets all he did in the past. He even uses female pronouns and the name I picked out for myself: Tiffany. I love that name it’s so cute, and all the boys I know on the net think so too.
My counselor is trying his best to get my parents to understand but somehow I don’t think they would. Daddy says he can talk to me but when I even mention the possibility of SRS he starts freaking out, so can I really talk to him? NO! Of course not!
I know I hate living as a boy, if I could I never ever would again, but I don’t have any choice. I know I may seem fake because I’m so girly and only like wearing dresses and skirts, I think it’s because I still want to be a princess. My favorite colors are Pink and Gold and I would LOVE to have an outfit made of those.
The one thing I only really want is to be the girl I’ve always known I was, it’s not like my parents say it though, it’s not I think I’m a girl, or I believe I’m a girl, It’s I’M A GIRL! Thank you so much for your time, Oh, I forgot, I also live in Camano Island Washington. Thanks again, sorry this is so long.
From: Michele Danielle
Subject: Michele's story
Here is my story, forgive me if it is a little lengthy....
Im 24 years old now, as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a girl.
When I was younger I did not understand it, and remember feeling ashamed. From a young age I was attracted sexually to boys and girls. As I got older and sorted out my feelings more, i realized that I was more attracted to girls because I wanted to "Be them", but my sexual turn on came from boys. I had relationships with girls, but they would always fail-
When I was younger and the family would get together, the men would go off and talk about men stuff, and the women would sit around and talk about girl stuff. Looking back though, I always found myself sitting with the women.
One day when I was 9 i discovered masturbation, I often masturbated as much as possible but doing so while thinking about my male friends. One day, almost out of instinct I went to my moms dresser and stole a pair of pantyhose, I can still remember the feeling of putting them on, that silky feel and the erotic feeling of doing something so forbidden. I kept those pantyhose, and I started to aquire more either through shoplifting or sneaking into friends and relatives bedrooms when we would visit.
As I got into my teens I stopped completely, mostly from shame and found a girlfriend, I was trying to convince myself that what I was doing was perverted and shameful. I did completely stop all through most of high school until my girlfriend left me for someone else.
On the rebound, I met a guy and fooled around with him -
The next year my life was met with tragedy, my mother passed away and my father remarried. This tragedy also turned into a blessing, I could never come out of the closet before but now with my mom gone my dad had moved on and remarried and left the state leaving me on my own to support myself. For once in my life I could be free!
I never had a problem buying clothes in person, I never felt embarrased-
I rented an apartment above a store, this helped me to be anonymous because I wouldnt have to worry about the neighbors seeing me leave the house. I started working at the coatcheck at a gay bar, this was perfect because i could let my feminine self come out, I worked nights and slept all day-
After some time I started going to work dressed as a girl, i felt like a whole new person!! Going to public places and seeing straight men check me out is the most enlightening euphoric feeling a TG person can have, not just for sexual reasons but as a sign of acceptance. I started living full time as a girl, and never had a hard time passing-
Two years ago after dating guys casually, my boss introduced me to his accountant for the bar. My boss said he was always asking about me, after we talked I found out he was gay and his mother of all things was a counselor for transgendered people!! How perfect could that be?? I really liked Mark though, he was sensitive and sweet to me. Unlike a lot of other guys I met, he wasnt obsessed with one night stands or just getting off, he actually wanted to know about me. We went on a few dates, movies, quiet straight bars, etc. I realized that I was actually falling in love with him. He asked me to come to his house, dressed as a girl and meet his parents.
I was thrilled and not nervous at all, his mom had made their house kind of like a second home for "TG" teens, so I was so happy I would be accepted. I met his family and immediately I had this amazing family, i was treated like a lady by both his parents, his brothers and sisters, I was no longer looked at as a freak, I found that even his whole extended family supported my lifestyle and Mark's decision to be gay in a relationship with a transgendered person.
That night we left his house and went back to his, we made love for the first time!! WOW!!! This wasnt just sex at all, this was actually being made love to for the first time in my life by a real man. It was slow, tender and beautiful-
I call him my husband now even though we cant be legally married. We just bought a house together and my life could not be more perfect. He works and I stay home as a housewife, Im going to school though to become a counselor so i can help other teens who have gone through the same thing I have, I feel it is only fair since I am so blessed with my perfect life that I give back to this wonderful world. So, there is hope out there-
Subject: Hidden Life Submission
I was going through the antijen website, and found the Hidden Life page. As I read the other submission and was touched, I thought I'd write a submission also, on the off chance that it winds up being the encouragement / support someone else needs.