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Personal Experiences > The Hidden Life

Tiffany's Story (TS with MPD)

To whom it may concern,

I have had gender identification issues since I was three years old.

When I was only five years old I declared to thin air that I wanted to be a princess. As I went on through life I found myself only liking more girl oriented things, but then somebody decided to put a stop to that.

I’ve also been born with MPS (Multiple Personality Syndrome) and with eight different personalities other than my own.

One of my personalities was a 44 year old man named Evann Mutil, and he did not like the things he was seeing. He made sure he was going to turn me into a boy as much as he possible could, or at least thought he could. He found that I was not able to follow his orders all the time, and sometimes directly broke them because I didn’t know how to be anything else. His way of solving this was to force upon me harmful memories of times when kids hurt me because I was girly and threatened that they would only repeat themselves if I didn’t quit acting like a girl. He even sometimes took over my body just to make it seem I was male.

I went on through life falling for several boys in my school and even blushing at them sometimes, but he made sure I didn’t say anything to my parents and so they never knew who I was or why I was so depressed all the time. They didn’t even know that when nobody was around I would put on skirts and dresses in secret. I even wrapped sheets around myself in such a way
to make it look like a skirt or dress and I would walk around at night, always wanting them to find out.

I even sometimes went to bed in my homemade sheet dresses hoping my parents would pull off the covers and see it, but they didn’t. They never found out until I told them when I was 19 years old.

Even though all of my life I haven’t been my true self, I know that I must have done something to appear as a girl, because there was this girl in school that was convinced I was a girl posing as a boy.

She said it was because of how I acted, and how I looked. I never really thought I had that feminine of a look until she told me so. I don’t have breasts (but sometimes I feel like I do, and sometimes I even see them there, even though they aren’t) but my chest does stick out in such a way it could be mistaken for something. I know because boys all at my school always asked what in the world it was. I just told them that my chest stuck out I didn’t really know why, then they told me to get a chest job.

I also am very slender and skinny with soft skin, not really soft skin but softer than most boys my age. It may just be my mind playing tricks on me, but I also have a kinda similar appearance to a girl. (And I mean the hips waist, and shoulders thing) People call me a cross dresser when I put on a skirt and blouse, or a dress, but I don’t feel like a cross dresser unless I’m wearing boy’s clothes. I hate being physically male, when I’m so obviously not. When I try to remember my past, all I see is this little girl there, my age instead of what the pictures in my mom’s book show me.

When I try to imagine how I look I only see a girl, I never see a boy. When I dream I am always a girl, and I dream of things like being a bride, having babies, and trying on cute clothes.

It seems that the only place I can act like myself is on the internet where when I tell people about my problems they don’t believe me at first. They say that the way I act there is no way I’m physically a boy. They say I don’t act like a boy at all. The worst part about all this is the fact that I was raised in a devout Christian home and I’ve never been sexually
assaulted as a little girl, so I have no real reason for feeling this way. It’s not just a feeling though, I know it in my soul I’m a girl, but will my parents ever believe that, NO!

They HATE my GID, with a passion and whenever I try to do anything remotely girly they tell me to stop, or call my uncle Lonnie or even destroying my only girl clothes I have. I started to become suicidal and so I’ve now been seeing a Christian counselor for almost a year now. I’ve told him about all my problems, and strangely enough he is more accepting than my parents are. He told me the only words I ever wanted to hear from my parents, that he will support me in any choice I make.
My parents have told me they would rather die than to say that. Daddy’s already told me that if I ever became a girl he would never want to see me again. So now I’m really depressed, and I go to bed crying every night and praying to God for my death.

My counselor is trying to help me, but it just hurts so much to be abandoned by my own parents. They even say such hurtful things as that I’m just forcing myself to be this way, and if I ever stopped then they would be happy. I tried to put away all my girl things for three months and act like a guy, but I just couldn’t perfectly but I still tried. When I showed them that it didn’t help it only made it worse, they just said I wasn’t trying hard enough.

Last month I decided I was going to where girls clothes from now on, so I put on a skirt, and stockings and a barrette and waited for them to come home so I could explain myself. I tried to imagine all the possible outcomes, but what really happened I was not prepared for. My brothers brought some friends with them and so I hid in my room under my covers, but one of them tried to rip off my covers, and I told them not too, then he found out I was wearing a skirt, and he became furious.
He told me that if I left my room he would beat the heck out of me. Then my little brother came in and he took off my barrette and broke it into a million pieces. I cried because it was my favorite, I told him not to and he did it anyway. Then my parents came home and that jerk Brandon told my parents before I could explain it to them. My dad freaked out and rampaged into my room, and my mom started saying she was going to kill herself and she called my uncle Lonnie. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I hid. I have this ability to hide within my own mind so my personalities can take my place. Well my parents took all of my clothes and destroyed them, so now I’m stuck with stupid boy clothes and I’m not willing to steal from my mom even though her clothes fit me pretty well too.

Lately though, about my MPS, things have been going much better with them, now even Evann accepts me as a girl, and totally regrets all he did in the past. He even uses female pronouns and the name I picked out for myself: Tiffany. I love that name it’s so cute, and all the boys I know on the net think so too.

My counselor is trying his best to get my parents to understand but somehow I don’t think they would. Daddy says he can talk to me but when I even mention the possibility of SRS he starts freaking out, so can I really talk to him? NO! Of course not!
I know I hate living as a boy, if I could I never ever would again, but I don’t have any choice. I know I may seem fake because I’m so girly and only like wearing dresses and skirts, I think it’s because I still want to be a princess. My favorite colors are Pink and Gold and I would LOVE to have an outfit made of those.

The one thing I only really want is to be the girl I’ve always known I was, it’s not like my parents say it though, it’s not I think I’m a girl, or I believe I’m a girl, It’s I’M A GIRL! Thank you so much for your time, Oh, I forgot, I also live in Camano Island Washington. Thanks again, sorry this is so long.

Love,

Tiffany




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From: Michele Danielle
Subject: Michele's story


Here is my story, forgive me if it is a little lengthy....

Im 24 years old now, as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a girl.

When I was younger I did not understand it, and remember feeling ashamed. From a young age I was attracted sexually to boys and girls. As I got older and sorted out my feelings more, i realized that I was more attracted to girls because I wanted to "Be them", but my sexual turn on came from boys. I had relationships with girls, but they would always fail- not until i was older could I come to terms with the reasons for failure and realize it was not the girls fault. I figured this out when I had a much easier time satisfying a guy, than I did a girl sexually.

When I was younger and the family would get together, the men would go off and talk about men stuff, and the women would sit around and talk about girl stuff. Looking back though, I always found myself sitting with the women.

One day when I was 9 i discovered masturbation, I often masturbated as much as possible but doing so while thinking about my male friends. One day, almost out of instinct I went to my moms dresser and stole a pair of pantyhose, I can still remember the feeling of putting them on, that silky feel and the erotic feeling of doing something so forbidden. I kept those pantyhose, and I started to aquire more either through shoplifting or sneaking into friends and relatives bedrooms when we would visit.

As I got into my teens I stopped completely, mostly from shame and found a girlfriend, I was trying to convince myself that what I was doing was perverted and shameful. I did completely stop all through most of high school until my girlfriend left me for someone else.

On the rebound, I met a guy and fooled around with him - he was a closet homosexual. I didn't tell him about my transgender tendencies, and we continued to date incognito for a few months, I was basically a booty call to him and it killed my self esteem. I ended up my losing my "Gay virginity" to him, and went all the way and had anal sex with him with me as the receiver. I remember it felt really good physically, but it lacked emotion. I also learned something important about myself there, I had such female tendencies. A guy sees sex as a physical thing, where as a woman views it as an emotional act. More pieces of the puzzle were coming together, could this explain why I was so sensitive? Is this why I would cry over the littlest things, cry at movies, cuddle animals, and have puple as a favorite color?

The next year my life was met with tragedy, my mother passed away and my father remarried. This tragedy also turned into a blessing, I could never come out of the closet before but now with my mom gone my dad had moved on and remarried and left the state leaving me on my own to support myself. For once in my life I could be free!

I never had a problem buying clothes in person, I never felt embarrased- probably from years of buying my ex girlfriend gifts without the sales peope giving a second thought (The internet is so much easier). I started dropping lots of weight, and I would do aerobics obsessively to sculpt my body into a female shape (Luckily i had small shoulders, naturally small waist, and small feet.) I was careful during exercising to focus on being toned, and not muscular in any way, i sculpted my body so precisely that when dressed as a male I would have to wear baggy clothes to hide my feminine figure.

I rented an apartment above a store, this helped me to be anonymous because I wouldnt have to worry about the neighbors seeing me leave the house. I started working at the coatcheck at a gay bar, this was perfect because i could let my feminine self come out, I worked nights and slept all day- the gay community was my lifestyle. I started sculpting my eyebrows, and waxed off all my body hair. I would go home and parade around like a teenager in my bedroom trying on clothes in front of the mirror, learning through trial an error which make up to use and how to apply it.

After some time I started going to work dressed as a girl, i felt like a whole new person!! Going to public places and seeing straight men check me out is the most enlightening euphoric feeling a TG person can have, not just for sexual reasons but as a sign of acceptance. I started living full time as a girl, and never had a hard time passing- I finally felt like I could be me. I must say life has blessed me though, I know how rough other people have it.

Two years ago after dating guys casually, my boss introduced me to his accountant for the bar. My boss said he was always asking about me, after we talked I found out he was gay and his mother of all things was a counselor for transgendered people!! How perfect could that be?? I really liked Mark though, he was sensitive and sweet to me. Unlike a lot of other guys I met, he wasnt obsessed with one night stands or just getting off, he actually wanted to know about me. We went on a few dates, movies, quiet straight bars, etc. I realized that I was actually falling in love with him. He asked me to come to his house, dressed as a girl and meet his parents.

I was thrilled and not nervous at all, his mom had made their house kind of like a second home for "TG" teens, so I was so happy I would be accepted. I met his family and immediately I had this amazing family, i was treated like a lady by both his parents, his brothers and sisters, I was no longer looked at as a freak, I found that even his whole extended family supported my lifestyle and Mark's decision to be gay in a relationship with a transgendered person.

That night we left his house and went back to his, we made love for the first time!! WOW!!! This wasnt just sex at all, this was actually being made love to for the first time in my life by a real man. It was slow, tender and beautiful- I finally found that emotional connection I was seeking!! I knew he was the boy for me, and he felt the same way.

I call him my husband now even though we cant be legally married. We just bought a house together and my life could not be more perfect. He works and I stay home as a housewife, Im going to school though to become a counselor so i can help other teens who have gone through the same thing I have, I feel it is only fair since I am so blessed with my perfect life that I give back to this wonderful world. So, there is hope out there- just keep thinking positive, and dont ever be afraid to be the person you are on the "Inside", if its one thing I learned from this life is that our bodies and image do not portray who we really are. Thank you for taking the time out to read my experience, and feel free to use my name.....



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From: Jacklyn
Subject: Hidden Life Submission

I was going through the antijen website, and found the Hidden Life page.  As I read the other submission and was touched, I thought I'd write a submission also, on the off chance that it winds up being the encouragement / support someone else needs.
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When I was six or seven, I pilfered a pair of my sister’s black pantyhose after school, and tried them on.  I enjoyed the way they felt against my legs, and the way they fit snug around the waist.  There was something soft and sensual and delicately feminine about them.  This was not the first time I had dressed…  but it was the first time I was caught.  My mother told me that if she caught me wearing girls clothes again she would send me to school in my sister’s dress.

I considered this for a bit, and found myself angry.  I wanted my own dress!  They say hindsight is 20/20, and had I known then what I know now, I would have taken my mom up on her offer.  As things went, however, I became ashamed of my behavior.

Years later, in 5th grade, I was immersed in a conversation with several girls in my class, one of those “girls only” talks.  Our conversation continued as we lined up for the next part of the day (boys in one line, girls in another), until it was rudely interrupted by the teacher announcing to the class that someone “must be confused about whether they are a boy or a girl.”  The entire class then noticed I was standing in the girl’s line.  I quickly switched lines and spent the rest of the day telling anyone who would listen, every chance I got, that I was not confused, and that I was indeed a boy.  The boys didn’t believe me, and the girls disowned me.  Now, I was alone.

High school simply made things more difficult.  I became a loner.  I developed an eating disorder, starting self-injuring, and attempted suicide several times.  I found support for my self-injury and eating disorders in an online forum, where I masqueraded as a girl to fit in better.  After all, these problems stereotypically affected girls, not boys.  I did these things partly because I despised my body, and partly to associate with other girls as a peer.  It was at this time I got involved in the local youth group.  Like Molly, whose letter on this page hit very close to home for me, I was a large part of that group.  For whatever reason, I was able to empathize with people and understand them – several peoples lives were radically changed for the better because of things I had done or said.  I’d like to say the most difficult part was maintaining humility through it all, but that’s not the case.  See, it’s easy to be humble when you’re nothing but a fraud and a sham.

Through all this, I was a happy boy on the outside.  And on the inside, I was slowly killing myself – my true self.  I thought I could make that part of me go away, and didn’t realize that I couldn’t remove that part from me, and that if it went away, so did I.  I almost succeeded in killing her – in killing myself – around my junior year in college.  I had lied to everyone for so long and so convincingly, I started to believe my lies.  I spent the better part of a year totally suppressing this hidden part of my life.  I thought I was past it all, that I had “cured” myself.  Six months later, in a poignant and sardonic reversion, I came out to myself and most of my friends.

Since then, I’ve been happier and more comfortable than ever.  I’ve been told that my friends never felt like they really knew me, like there was always something I was holding back from them.  And now, I’ve noticed, I have a far easier time forming friendships, and maintaining friendships.  And for once in my life, I know and like who I am.

Love and Hugs,
Jacklyn Leigh


 
 
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